Have you ever looked into someone’s eyes and just saw pain seeping through their pupils? They stand there smiling with a kind expression, though you can see right through them like a shattered mirror. Why are they hiding such darkness inside them? When I met my best friend, he saw right through me. I was so hyper and talkative, though he could see past the “happy self” I had in a sense faked. I was genuinely happy, though sadness ran through my veins. If you ask anyone about me; they will say I’m kind, compassionate, friendly, and always happy and smiling. Though they never took the time to really look at me, talk to me, get to know me. My best friend has always known my true self. Sometimes, better than I have. He is my best friend, my human diary, my love of my life. One of the things I admire most about him is that he never once gave up on me. From being suicidal, to moving states away, to now having a mental illness for the rest of my life and him taking care of me everyday. He never once gave up on me or left my side. He never loved me any less. Ever since the day we met 7 years ago, he’s loved me. That is either one stubborn guy or a real man who loves me more than maybe he will ever understand. One day I will marry him. I love him so much. I am blessed to have my best friend as my soul mate.
I am depressed. Today I have been on the verge of crying all day. Have you ever had that? Where you feel like you’re about to break, though you can’t. I have bipolar disorder. I am in my depressive stage. I don’t like my depressive stage. It is exhausting. I feel so lonely. Like things go through my mind that shouldn’t. As if I am not thinking clearly. It is like I don’t even know myself. I don’t know if I should believe I’m happy when I’m manic.Then it’s like when I’m depressed, should I agree that I am not happy with my life or myself. I feel like I don’t belong sometimes. I really feel different. I sometimes feel helpless. I feel sad. I’m really roughing it right now. I wish I could stay happy all the time. Everyone knows I’m genuinely happy.Though when I have been depressed, I am not happy in those moments or time period.
My brother and sister are my world. I love Samps & Rai so much. They are always there for me no matter the time of day. I miss them more than words can explain. I am thankful for social media and Facetime. Haha. I can keep in touch with them and see them everyday through a screen. Technology at its finest. I hope to visit them this summer. I need a vacation!!!
It is so hard losing someone so close and dear to you. My Grammy was my happiness my back bone. She was my biggest fan. I loved her with all I had. My friend just sent me a message saying, “I will pray for you. And I know that she still IS your biggest fan where she is now. :)” That means a lot to me. I know if she was still here, she’d tell me to wipe my tears away and toughen up.
December 15th is the 1 year death date of my grandma. She was my best friend. She was one of the smartest women in my life. She was a survivor of breast cancer. She gave me hope. I have been very angered. I never got to go the her funeral. I wasn’t invited. This is my grandmother; the mother of my foster mother that no longer associates with me. The foster family I used to have hasn’t talked to me in 3 years. They want nothing of me. Though, I still have a big place in my heart for my Grammy. She was very special to me. She always will be. She taught me how to be tough when I was bullied in school. She taught me self respect and confidence. She taught me how a young woman should act like. She was my #1 role model in my life. She was everything to me. My sunshine on a cloudy day. Literally, we’d sing you are my sunshine. She loved that song. I will never forget the good times we’d have together. She always came to visit for summer and the Christmas holidays. Her birthday was December 24th, Christmas Eve. So her death reminds me that we aren’t always promised a tomorrow and that every day we wake up to, is a blessing. I know she’s watching over me now. She is in a happier place and in the Hands of the Lord. I love her so much. Rest in Peace Grammy E. I will never forget you and all that you taught me.
XO – Sai