Just Lost

Sometimes I feel lost. I don’t have family other than my new foster brother and sister. (Which I grately appreciate them more than words can explain.) Though, my one of my many dreams in life is to find and meet my birthmom. I feel lost; somewhat empty. It is hard, when someone asks about my mother. I just say I don’t know her. I just believe I got my beauty, brains, and confidence from her. I keep having Faith and hope that a lot of characteristics I have, I get from her. I never have thought about what my father is like. To be honest. I haven’t really ever thought hard about him. I think I’ve always had a dream to find my birthmom. That is who I’ve longed to meet. If someone asked me, “If you could meet anyone in the whole entire world, who would it be?” I would most likely say, “My birthmom would be the first on the list.”

One thing about being a foster kid is this. You can get more than one family. Especially if they treat you wrong. Though, that wasn’t the case with me, since I was adopted. Though social services were involved, when my foster mom physically abused me. The elementary school had put in a report.

Another thing about family when it comes to foster kids is that, you are not connected by a blood or genetic bond. Kids who get with a great foster family with good morals, etc are very lucky and blessed. The others who have to jump to a new home every few weeks, it is very tough on them. I lived in a group home when my foster family kicked me to the curb. I was so scared. I was lost. I felt so empty. Not because I didn’t have a family. Though, because these girls I lived with had been so hurt by their past, and by things that happened in the foster care system. I could feel their pain and sorrow. I felt so sad for them. Everyone has a story and there is pain that seeps through their hearts here and there. I know. I have been there. I understand the emotional ride.

Anyways, I am not sure where I was going with this post. Though I feel empty right now. When I post, I am not looking for pity or for sorrow. I use many parts of my life story to inspire and help others know they are not alone in their personal struggles. Many people go through the same things, whether it be depression, mental disorders, abandonment issues, loss of a loved one, foster care, even suicidal intentions. Many people have been through it.. More than you will know. Open your eyes. Sometimes, people you didn’t know are struggling, are.

Have a good day,

Xo, Sai (:

Just Lost

Xoxo

Everyone who knows me , knows my favorite show of all time is GOSSIP GIRL!!!! My favorite couple on that show is Chuck & Blaire. I’m such a fan of that show that I’ve watched all 6 seasons 7 times in counting!! Ughhhh! Y’all have no idea how much I love that show! I can never get tired of it! As a matter of fact, I’m actually watching it right now. I’ve made B watch the show with me because ironically, none of my friends have seen the show, yet they remind me of many of the characters… Kinda funny huh. “You know you love me Xoxo, Gossip Girl.”

Xo, Sai (:

Xoxo

Don’t let fear hold you back

The foster mom I had growing up treated me horribly. She put it in my head, I’d never change. I could never make a change for myself. She always put me down. She talked down on me. I once took toys to school in my book bag, (I was in 1st or 2nd grade) and she beat the crap out of me because I took toys to school. She abused me for many things, little or big. My foster dad at the time, was never there when she did it, since he was always at work. I feel in my heart, her beating me and abusing me constantly, did not make me want to find strength within me to change for the better. I was constantly living in fear. Living in fear because I was scared if I do one littlest thing wrong, I would get hit for it. I never had hope. I always thought I did everything wrong.

Now that I am an adult, and they abandoned me. Well, I feel less scared; like I am not walking on eggshells. I feel free of the cage I was in. I live with my boyfriend, Brannen. We’ve been together 4 years and best friends for 7 years. Even that I’ve lived with him for 3 years, I still have a tendencies of thinking he’ll treat me like my ex foster family treated me. Not abusive lol. More so like he’ll be mad if I ate all my goldfish crackers, or broke a xbox controller. Those kinds of things. Though, he doesn’t get mad. He never lays a hand on me, or yells at me over the little things. He understands things get broken, or I get hungry. Lol. He is such a great guy. He makes me feel safe. I haven’t been able to be myself. He gave me confidence. He took away my shield of fear. He gave me secureness to feel confident to be myself.

Brannen is the best thing that has ever happened to me. God truly blessed me. I found happiness and a path to better things when I met Brannen. I feel God wanted B and I to meet. He knows B is a great guy with a good heart. He would show me true love and a good friendship. I am forever grateful for B and that God is good.

When times are tough, you can’t give up. I learned that most people give up right before it may be getting better. They never wait that last second or minute. Many people know I was suicidal. They told me that many people who have been in my type of situation, would not have made it this far. So, why me? I don’t understand sometimes how I became this strong. I feel so blessed, yet overwhelmed. I hope to help many people and show them proof that it is possible to never give up! I know God has me. He is always good, and his timing is everything. Whether you want to believe it or not. Miracles are always in the works. Have Faith.

Xo, Sai (:

Don’t let fear hold you back

Special Day For Me

Today is daylight savings. Though, it is also a special day for me personally. I was born in Hyderabad, India in 1994. I was put in a orphanage till I was 18 months old. I came over to America in 1996. Today is my anniversary of coming to America. I am thankful for all the people I have in my life. I love you all and God has truly blessed me with a beautiful life.

Xo, Sai (:

Special Day For Me

My Besties

“A close friend is like a rainbow, when the perfect amount of happiness and tears are mixed, the result is a colorful bridge between 2 hearts.” ~ Annoymous

My first best friend in my life was my cat I had growing up. Sometimes animals give a great connection with their owner, only some can really understand. He was my everything. I had him since 1st grade. He’s an old cat now. (He’s with my ex-foster family still.) I pray he is happy and loved. I miss him very much, probably he misses me too. Though today, I am going to talk about my 4 best friends who are humans lol.

Brannen: My #1 best friend of all time is my fiance, Brannen. I met him in 9th grade of high school. He gave me hope of better days. He was there for through the ups and downs of my life. He never gave up on me no matter how dark of the times he went through with me. He makes me feel the safest out of everyone I know. He has never hurt me and he taught me that the truth sets you free. Never lie, be blunt. That is where I get my bluntness from. A lot of people say I am blunt. B taught me never to beat around the bush, hence why I get fustrated when others do it. B saved me from suicide in 9th grade and in freshmen year of college. He was the main reason I got clean and got the helped I needed. I am forever thankful for him. I was the one who met him. I went up to him in gym class. A few different types of gyms classes all met in the big gymnasium sometimes. I went up to him and of course was hyper and excited. I said “hiii!”, and from that moment on we became closer than ever each day that passed. He said the day he met me, was the day he said to himself, “One day I will marry this girl.” Brannen is a very wise guy. He is a christian and has very good morals. He is a US Marine now. Which I adore Marines the most out of all branches of the military!! Ever since I was little, I have had so much respect for them! Ooh Rah!!! Well, I have bragged enough about B. Now onto the next one.

Lizzie: Elizabeth and I met in 5th grade of middle school when I just moved to Georgia. She and I have been close ever since!! We would always be goofy in school and sometimes get into trouble. Though, she kept me positive and happy. She a person I cherish very dear to heart. Our friendship is rare. Why I say that is because, we rarely fight. We really don’t disagree on much. She is my kind of crazy though. Just upset us enough and it’s over. When 2 best friends come together on the same problem.. you might want to apologize before we get heated. Haha. Though, on the other hand, she is a wise person as well. She has such a kind heart and a great personality. I am so thankful for her. I miss her so much. I can’t wait to reunite with her soon enough. Good thing for technology; Facetime, Facebook, Snapchat, etc.
Lauren: Lauren and I met in 6th grade of middle school. I switched schools. She became one of my first friends at the new school. We clicked right away. She is literally my partner in crime. We would always get in trouble in class. They’d purposely not put us in the same groups because once we are together you will never know what can happen. She and I have a special kind of friendship. We can go weeks, even months without talking and just pick up right where we left off!! If you have ever seen Gossip Girl; I am the Serena to her Blaire. We have fought a few times, though at the end of the day, we love each other. I can’t see living a life without her in it. She is a character; very silly. Her imagination is wild, which makes her unique. She understands me too. That’s my goofball. I love and miss her more than words can explain. I can’t wait to reunite with her as well!! We keep up with each other on Facetime, Facebook, etc. Thank goodness!!!
Trejon: Trejon and I met in freshman year of college. He and I became so close within days. He is a very wise owl. He has taught me so much, including self respect and self love. He never gave up on me. When he met me, I was right at the cusp of hitting rock bottom with the suicidal stuff. Though, he kept me afloat even when I was falling hard. Our friendship and bond  never grew grey, it has always been colorful.  He has had my back since day 1.  He showed me what a true friend is. He is like a counselor to me as well. Always gives great advice and has great meaning and positive influence behind it. I will always look up to him. He is my inspiration to do great in life!! I can’t wait for him to B and I soon!!

Friendship is built upon trust, communication, loyalty, respect, commitment, and patience. All of my best friends share that with me. I am forever grateful for them. I am truly blessed.
“Friends are kisses blown to us by Angels.” ~ Anonymous

Xo, Sai

My Besties