That’s where I met the love of my life, Brannen. He saved me from committing suicide at school. He saved my life. Brannen & I became so close in that one year, but I had gotten into a lot of trouble. I almost went to jail because I stole 5 iPods at my school from students I disliked & jail broke them, but the cop let me stay so I was in out-of-school suspension for 5 days. I also got into other trouble with teachers & stupid stuff that made me get in-school suspension a lot. Throughout all of that, I was very suicidal & depressed. On a good note, I was an A student. I would do my friends papers and homework sometimes too. I am very book smart, not street smart.
I never cut myself, but I wanted to die. I ended up saying “I wanted to shoot myself” in front of the school principle, cop, assistant principle, therapist, & “mother” one day when I was getting in-school suspension for cyber bullying a girl on Facebook when I did not understand since I was letting her know that she might get beat up by someone soon, but I wasn’t part of it. I was just warning her, & they said that was cyber bullying. Since, I threatened myself; they had me bacaracted. I was sent to a lock down rehabilitation center.
It sucked, I was there for 7 days. Brannen was glad to see me when I got out & came back to school, but he didn’t know that I was going to be moving. I didn’t even know. I didn’t even get to say goodbye to him for the summer. I moved in July 2010 to Florida with my family, & the next year at school- Brannen looked all over for me. He did not have a good year. He was not happy there because I was not there. He told me he would find me if I ever left Georgia. He promised he would; which he is a man of his word & promises. I had his email & number. So we stayed in touch & reconnected almost 2 years later in 2011.
I was still suicidal. I wanted to kill myself so bad, but I knew it would not help & I would let down everyone who ever backed me up & ever pushed me to stay strong. I would let down my Lord, and my bestest friend- Brannen (I also call him B). I just tried to push through. Then on November 1, 2010, I tore my ACL in my left knee at my competition cheerleading practice when I was doing a tumbling pass & landed wrong. It ended my all-star career & I still haven’t fully recovered. It sucks, but it made me even more depressed. I did graduated from high school in 2013 & then I went to college at Saint Leo University.
Since my parents never gave me freedom like how it is in college, I screwed up. I ended up losing my virginity on the 3rd day of attending college. I regret everything about that. I said I would never have sex before marriage, but I ended up having sex everyday & it didn’t do me any good. The boyfriend I had at the time used me. He ended up telling me I was his fuck buddy, so the sex didn’t mean anything. I believe that I gave myself to these guys because I was raped at a young age, I never knew what sex really was or what the meaning of it was. Like the importance of it and the meaning behind it. Like the connection you’re supposed to have. Fucking wasn’t giving me it. I believe I just wanted to be loved, but I was trying to be loved in the wrong way. I broke up with him soon after that.
P.S. ~ As my motto goes: Spreading Positivity Like PB & J.
Much Love To You All,
Peace. Love. Sai 🙂