I stood there while the hot steamy water rapidly beat down on my bare figure. I could feel my heartbeat speeding up. My eye sockets started filling with salty tears. My body became heavy as I dropped to the hard surface of the tub. I am just about breathless. At this point, the water is almost drowning me. I felt like I was in the middle of a rain storm. The water is washing away my worries and being poured down the drain. The bathroom was foggy like the clouds in the sky.
I am still here staying strong, Sai
I am getting my hair trimmed today. Maybe adding a few layers to it too. I have thick hair. As y’all know, I’m Indian. So my hair is long and thick. People obsess over my hair. They ask what’s the secret to my hair. My first response may be too harsh so I go with the second one which is I just use head and shoulders. My first response would be because I am from India. It’s the foreign in me. 😂😂
I lost a very close friend of mine the other day. He died of an unexpected heart attack. I am so exhausted from crying and being so depressed over it. He is one of the positive influences in my life. He gave me hope and shaped me in ways unexplainable. He gave me light of better days. He wiped my tears when crying. He kept me afloat when things got hard. He was a teacher, a friend, a life coach, an inspiration for many. Now he is gone. Everyone is devastated, especially each person who’s lives he touched. I don’t understand death. I do understand when our time comes, it comes. Once we do our deeds on this Earth, God brings us home. Home as in Heaven. His time on this earth was done. He did all his good deeds or whatever God sent him on this earth to do.
I can’t even type anymore without crying again. I’m sorry.
I love you Rico. Rest In Peace my amazing friend. I know you’re watching over me.
Love, Sai ❤️
Not sure why people judge when they don’t even check themselves first.
Not sure why people blame others for their unsuccessful lives.
Not sure why people think violence is the way to make the world peaceful.
Not sure why people can’t understand mental illness.
Not sure why people make memes out of everything.
Not sure why people can’t accept the truth.
Not sure why sex is more important to teenagers than good grades and pleasing their parents.
Not sure why equality isn’t an option because everyone still sees skin color as a major difference.
Not sure why we can’t all just be mature.
Not sure why I can’t fathom all of this.
Not sure why I am unsure.
Pondering at 3:19 am.
When a kid is abused. They are either physically, mentally, emotionally, & or sexually. They are scarred, bruised, ashamed & exhausted. They are broken inside with a mind full of fear. They don’t know who’s going to hurt them next. Whether it be a broken heart or bullies beating them up. Love isn’t a word fathomable for an abuse victims ears.
I would know. I was abused as a kid. My foster mom was horrible to me. If I bad mouthed to her; she’d make me swallow liquid soap. My throat would be stinging for days. She would give me bloody noses and blame me for why my nose was bleeding. She beat me continuously. She sewed into my skin while trying to fix my tutu for dance. I screamed for her to stop as I was crying and bleeding. Yet she kept going. Maybe like 3 stitches till she stopped. I cried in pain as blood was dripping down my belly. She was scary to me. I was so scared of her. She was my biggest bully. That’s the saddest part. It wasn’t even kids at school who I could say bullied me. No, my bully was my own foster mother.
She was my bully.
She is not my bully now. She’ll never be able to have that control over me again. I will never let her put me through pain. She’s not in my life anymore. She cut me off in 2013. I would never go back to that negativity. I am strong. I am an abuse victim survivor.
Deep in thought,