R.I.P. Rico

I lost a very close friend of mine the other day. He died of an unexpected heart attack. I am so exhausted from crying and being so depressed over it. He is one of the positive influences in my life. He gave me hope and shaped me in ways unexplainable. He gave me light of better days. He wiped my tears when crying. He kept me afloat when things got hard. He was a teacher, a friend, a life coach, an inspiration for many. Now he is gone. Everyone is devastated, especially each person who’s lives he touched. I don’t understand death. I do understand when our time comes, it comes. Once we do our deeds on this Earth, God brings us home. Home as in Heaven. His time on this earth was done. He did all his good deeds or whatever God sent him on this earth to do. 

I can’t even type anymore without crying again. I’m sorry. 

I love you Rico. Rest In Peace my amazing friend. I know you’re watching over me. 

Love, Sai ❤️

R.I.P. Rico

Not sure why

Not sure why people judge when they don’t even check themselves first.

Not sure why people blame others for their unsuccessful lives. 

Not sure why people think violence is the way to make the world peaceful. 

Not sure why people can’t understand mental illness. 

Not sure why people make memes out of everything. 

Not sure why people can’t accept the truth. 

Not sure why sex is more important to teenagers than good grades and pleasing their parents. 

Not sure why equality isn’t an option because everyone still sees skin color as a major difference. 

Not sure why we can’t all just be mature. 

Not sure why I can’t fathom all of this. 

Not sure why I am unsure. 
Pondering at 3:19 am.

Sai 

Not sure why

She was my bully. 

When a kid is abused. They are either physically, mentally, emotionally, & or sexually. They are scarred, bruised, ashamed & exhausted.  They are broken inside with a mind full of fear. They don’t know who’s going to hurt them next. Whether it be a broken heart or bullies beating them up. Love isn’t a word fathomable for an abuse victims ears. 

I would know. I was abused as a kid. My foster mom was horrible to me. If I bad mouthed to her; she’d make me swallow liquid soap. My throat would be stinging for days. She would give me bloody noses and blame me for why my nose was bleeding. She beat me continuously. She sewed into my skin while trying to fix my tutu for dance. I screamed for her to stop as I was crying and bleeding. Yet she kept going. Maybe like 3 stitches till she stopped. I cried in pain as blood was dripping down my belly. She was scary to me. I was so scared of her. She was my biggest bully. That’s the saddest part. It wasn’t even kids at school who I could say bullied me. No, my bully was my own foster mother.

She was my bully. 

She is not my bully now. She’ll never be able to have that control over me again. I will never let her put me through pain. She’s not in my life anymore. She cut me off in 2013. I would never go back to that negativity. I am strong. I am an abuse victim survivor. 

Deep in thought,

Sai 💜

She was my bully. 

Just Stop

Stop letting other people’s opinions get the best of you. Stop letting those little lies fill up in your head. Your haters who want to see you miserable. They want to see you unhappy because they are unhappy. They want to pull you into their gloomy and depressed world. Don’t let them. Stop letting people get inside your head. You are worth more than those degrading thoughts and little pieces of negative doubt. You are worth more than the stars in the sky. You have more potential than you see in yourself. You don’t see it, because you’re blinded by all the haters. Their voices and words have more volume than your own confidence and thoughts. Stop it. Change it. It should be, your confidence and thoughts have more volumes than the haters voices and words. You got this. Stop letting others run over you. Stand strong and courageous. Be brave and confident. You got this, even if you don’t believe you do. 

I love you all. Stay motivated and positive. 

Peace. Love. Sai. (:

Just Stop

What You think and What You know

What you think: 

You all see her as a beautiful girl with a stunning smile. Her hair so silky and long. They see such intelligence and braveness in her. They see strength and wisdom. They see such a positive, uplifting energy beaming from her soul.

What you don’t know:

There is pain flowing through her veins, tears filling up in her eye sockets, exhausting depression where her body feels so weak, and longing for something she has no idea is even in arms reach.

She hides her pain with her stunning, contagious smile. Her beauty glows. No one ever knows when she’s sad or in pain. She holds her head high and seems to hide her pain well.

 What you think and what you know are two different things. Remember that. 

Xo, Sai ❤

What You think and What You know

Social media??

I usually am active on social media. Though, recently I haven’t been. I haven’t used instagram, snapchat, or facebook in the last 2 months. Only 5 people have really checked on me. Shows who really cares & worries if I’m okay. Social media is shit. Like people have my number yet still try to message me on everything else but my number. I only give my number out to certain people or friends. If you have my number. That means I think of you as a friend or someone I care about. If I am not answering my messages on social media, why do you keep messaging me on there? Especially if you have my personal number or even my email?? Just sad. Social media has taken over so much, that even one of my friends won’t answer their texts but will respond quicker through a social media app. I’m so frustrated. Like why have an active phone if you don’t use your texts or calls. That’s a waste of money in my opinion. Sometimes I wish this was the old days. Where technology hadn’t been as advanced. Where social media was not the shit. People read their feed more than they do the Bible. People use social media to stir up drama. People are so consumed in social media that it can be so suffocating. Take a break people. Social media isn’t everything. If I can live two months without it and my hubby can live 5 years without it. Then it’s good. Life is way more peaceful. I may only keep instagram. Instagram is the only social site I think is positive and I inspire most on there.   

Social media??

I miss you

Have you ever missed someone, without even meeting them? I do. I miss my mother, even though I have never met her. I have been depressed lately. I am not sure if it was triggered by the fact that mother’s day is indeed tomorrow.

Last night, B and I bought his mom mother’s gifts. As I was grabbing some items, my friend asked me what I was getting my mother, since she saw me buying things for B’s mom. My friend wasn’t aware of my situation yet. She though I could ship the gifts to India. She had no clue I haven’t my mother.

Is it weird for me to say I love my mother? I think the world of her. I dream of her and the beauty she holds. I pray one day, I meet her. I feel a spark in my heart that one day I could be standing side by side with my mother. I could somehow stumble upon her. The world is so small. Fate has a way. God has a plan.

I am sad. An orphan I was born. An orphan I became again. Though, I have a mother. I have a father. I will dream until my wish comes true. That is my biggest wish of all. That is my dream. Most people dream and wish to be married or to have a fairy tale life. Others wish to have a roof over their head and food on the table. I wish to meet my mother. We all have wishes and dreams.

What is yours?

Xo, Sai

 

I miss you