Update for Fall

Hey everyone. I have been M.I.A. again due to working at my new job and then because of me being in my depressive stage lately… almost a full month now. I wanted to share about how I’ve been doing. I have working at my new job for over 5 months now. That is an accomplishment for me. I never have been able to hold a job for more than 4 months. So this is exciting for me and I am very proud of myself. I have bipolar type 2 severe with psychosis. Having a work life can be difficult for me and many others with BD. Especially during the depression stages. For me, I have no energy, I cry a lot, I am exhausted, I don’t want to get out of bed, I don’t want to talk to people or hang with friends. Literally, I have almost 200 unread messages from my friends. I am so grateful to have such a loving and caring man by my side who uplifts me and prays with me and makes sure I don’t sink into an even deeper level of depression, Because of him, I got to my midday work shifts on time. Because of him I got out bed and tried to become motivated even though I just wanted to sleep all day. Because of him I have felt comforted and he’s done everything to try to make me smile; whether it be him holding me, hugging me, kissing me, buying me food, etc. He has kept me together while in such a state of depression. It has been a while since I have had a long depression. So it has been quite exhausting for me. I have been proud of myself for pushing so hard and getting through it. Working and depression are quite drowning. Everyone knows I am a very outgoing person. Even my customers have been worried about me. One of them gave me a Rosary made of real silver, others gave me hugs, and a few have bought me food. They are so kind. Everyone who has truly helped me and extended their love and care. From B, to my friends, to my customers, and even my manager and employees. Everyone is so great. I love them all and am very grateful for them. Anyway, I just wanted to update you all on my progress and how I am doing.

Love Always, Sai

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Update for Fall

Not sure why

Not sure why people judge when they don’t even check themselves first.

Not sure why people blame others for their unsuccessful lives. 

Not sure why people think violence is the way to make the world peaceful. 

Not sure why people can’t understand mental illness. 

Not sure why people make memes out of everything. 

Not sure why people can’t accept the truth. 

Not sure why sex is more important to teenagers than good grades and pleasing their parents. 

Not sure why equality isn’t an option because everyone still sees skin color as a major difference. 

Not sure why we can’t all just be mature. 

Not sure why I can’t fathom all of this. 

Not sure why I am unsure. 
Pondering at 3:19 am.

Sai 

Not sure why

My Life Story: Pt 3

​Throughout all of that, I was still suicidal. I did the suicidal talk among harming myself a few times throughout 5 years. They said you keep saying you want to commit suicide, and since you didn’t go through with it we have to kick you off living on campus. So, my foster parents gave me 2 choices. Either I go fend for myself, they would give me all my money I earned from my jobs, & they would give me all my stuff & I would go live on my own. Or I could go to a treatment center for 30 days to get better & mentally stable. Then I could come home, though there would be rules but I could live with them.

So, Brannen came down to visit me. He just got out of boot camp not long before. He is a U.S. Marine. Ooh Rah!!! I am so proud of him! I can say my best friend is a Marine!! The few, the proud!!

So B came to visit me on my thanksgiving break. He asked me to marry him, & I said “yes”. Though, we are waiting to get married. We want to be financially stable & have everything else taken care of; like the important stuff us young adults want to do before getting married, having kids, etc. He & I love each other so much. He has sacrificed so much for me. While he was visiting me, he convinced me to go to the treatment center. I decided I want to be stable before moving in with him. I think it was a fair decision, not being selfish.

I did it for him because I wanted to be healthy for our relationship & be stable when I moved up to Michigan to live with him. So I went to the treatment center for 5 weeks & 3 days. I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder Type 1 Severe: mood swings, panic attacks, and impulsiveness. When my “mother” found out, she did not want me home. The doctors said that they believe this disorder came about because all these years I have been on medication that I wasn’t supposed to be on because I never had ADHD. The doctors in the past diagnosed me wrong all these years.

So my “mother” didn’t want me to come home. She is very controlling, & my “father” goes along with it. So he agreed. My “father” got me when I was dismissed from the treatment center, & he took me to a group home in the hood of St. Pete, Florida. It was like 15 minutes from where they lived, but they never came to see me. Get this: they sent my belongings to me through UPS. Why couldn’t they have brought my items to me? Then, I couldn’t stay at the group home; one because I found out my parents didn’t even pay for me to stay there… and they are well off.

So I was hurt that they were not paying for me to stay at the group home. So I was there on a free house grant. Two, because it was in the hood. I was not acclimated to such a living situation. There was a gang outside the group home that already raped a local girl & paralyzed her from the waist down. They gang raped her & stuck a knife up her vagina & cut a nerve. They paralyzed her, & they cut the side of her face too, so she was hospitalized for a while. There were fights every day in the group home. Police were always getting called.

So I left.. I went to live with my friend who I though was stable. She had an alcohol addiction. We met at the treatment center. She was my roomate. She got dismissed before me, so I had it in my mind that she was still stable. She was living with a drug dealer. I had no clue. I had to get out of there as fast as I could. God was definitely watching over me. I was in a very unsafe environment. I left one bad place to live in another negative environment. Brannen wasn’t happy with the unsafe environment I was in. So he got me a ticket & I moved in with him in his apartment he just moved into. I moved in like a few days after he got his apartment. I have been in Michigan since February 2014. A very big culture & weather shock, but it’s okay. Between all the settling in my new home; My “mother” won’t let my “father” talked to me or it will cost their marriage. The rest of the foster family does not agree with my “mother”, but they can’t say anything. Brannen’s parents tried telling my foster parents they are wrong, but they aren’t listening. My “mother” keeps lying to people & making me the bad guy, but everyone knows what really happened.

P.S. ~ As my motto goes: Spreading Positivity Like PB & J.

Much Love To You All,

Peace. Love. Sai 🙂

My Life Story: Pt 3