I miss you

Have you ever missed someone, without even meeting them? I do. I miss my mother, even though I have never met her. I have been depressed lately. I am not sure if it was triggered by the fact that mother’s day is indeed tomorrow.

Last night, B and I bought his mom mother’s gifts. As I was grabbing some items, my friend asked me what I was getting my mother, since she saw me buying things for B’s mom. My friend wasn’t aware of my situation yet. She though I could ship the gifts to India. She had no clue I haven’t my mother.

Is it weird for me to say I love my mother? I think the world of her. I dream of her and the beauty she holds. I pray one day, I meet her. I feel a spark in my heart that one day I could be standing side by side with my mother. I could somehow stumble upon her. The world is so small. Fate has a way. God has a plan.

I am sad. An orphan I was born. An orphan I became again. Though, I have a mother. I have a father. I will dream until my wish comes true. That is my biggest wish of all. That is my dream. Most people dream and wish to be married or to have a fairy tale life. Others wish to have a roof over their head and food on the table. I wish to meet my mother. We all have wishes and dreams.

What is yours?

Xo, Sai

 

I miss you

Try a different type

Many people ask me how I found such a great guy. Well B and I’s relationship started all the way back in high school. We actually started as friends, then had a  brother and sister relationship, then we became best friends, then lovers. It is kind of cute.

Many of my friends get in bad relationships. These are the types of guys they somehow date: Fuck boys, controlling guys, abusive guys, guys that use you for one thing whether it be sex or just to say they have a girlfriend but don’t really want to pursue a deep and long lasting relationship with you, or guys who are possessive of their girl.

The thing is everyone one of these girls have gone for the “hottest”, good looking, best body, cute type of guy. I have said since day one. Looks don’t mean shit. You’ve got to understand that. I would rather have a guy who isn’t the hottest, yet treats me like a queen. People sometimes ask how I got with Brannen or they say Brannen is one lucky guy to have me by his side. (As in I’m the gorgeous one and I could of done better with a guy’s looks.) Excuse me while I count my blessings. Brannen is a very handsome man. He is a Marine on top of that. That is effing sexy and really awesome! He has great morals and respects me. He isn’t possessive over me and never has been controlling. He doesn’t treat me like an object either. He is loyal and wants to marry me one day. I would rather have him, than any guy I ever laid eyes on before I got with Brannen. If I look back on all the guys I had crushes on or dated. None compare to Brannen. They are an “F” and Brannen is an “A+++++”.  Oh and one more thing. His mother raised him right! I am grateful for that!

These girls only want good looking guys. Not every good looking guy is respectful. Some of them are very rude and only want sex. I think sometimes you should try a different type. To be honest. I dated a lot of fuck boy kind of guys. They treated me like crap!

I am so blessed I met  Brannen. Actually, B was a skinny guy when I first met him. He looked like a complete nerd on top of that. Now he is muscular and cute as eff! I wouldn’t trade him for the world. His characteristics are what many girls want in a guy. I am blessed and I thank God every day for this man. Brannen is the best thing that has ever happened. He is the love of my life. I wouldn’t want it any other way!

Peace. Love. Sai (:

Try a different type

Karma comes as good & bad.

One thing you have to learn is that you can’t run away from the consequences from your own actions. If you steal, eventually you will get caught. If you lie, each lie will eventually catch up to you. If you bully someone, you will eventually get in trouble for it. Each action you make will eventually catch up to you whether it is a good or bad consequence.

Sometimes people say your past will catch up to you or that it will haunt you. I am not really sure about that, like if it’s compleletly true. I can just say from experience, you are in control of your future. Each choice you make, there is an aftermath. Each choice has a good or bad aftermath. That’s what I learned.

It’s kind of like Karma. Karma comes as good and bad. What you put out in the world, is what will come back to you. What goes around comes back around. Always remember that. Like if you gave a homeless person a meal from McDonald’s, some clothes, and some blankets. You have given out kindness to the world. One day you an act of kindness will come your way. That’s just how I feel.

Have a great day,

Xo, Sai (:

Karma comes as good & bad.

Just Lost

Sometimes I feel lost. I don’t have family other than my new foster brother and sister. (Which I grately appreciate them more than words can explain.) Though, my one of my many dreams in life is to find and meet my birthmom. I feel lost; somewhat empty. It is hard, when someone asks about my mother. I just say I don’t know her. I just believe I got my beauty, brains, and confidence from her. I keep having Faith and hope that a lot of characteristics I have, I get from her. I never have thought about what my father is like. To be honest. I haven’t really ever thought hard about him. I think I’ve always had a dream to find my birthmom. That is who I’ve longed to meet. If someone asked me, “If you could meet anyone in the whole entire world, who would it be?” I would most likely say, “My birthmom would be the first on the list.”

One thing about being a foster kid is this. You can get more than one family. Especially if they treat you wrong. Though, that wasn’t the case with me, since I was adopted. Though social services were involved, when my foster mom physically abused me. The elementary school had put in a report.

Another thing about family when it comes to foster kids is that, you are not connected by a blood or genetic bond. Kids who get with a great foster family with good morals, etc are very lucky and blessed. The others who have to jump to a new home every few weeks, it is very tough on them. I lived in a group home when my foster family kicked me to the curb. I was so scared. I was lost. I felt so empty. Not because I didn’t have a family. Though, because these girls I lived with had been so hurt by their past, and by things that happened in the foster care system. I could feel their pain and sorrow. I felt so sad for them. Everyone has a story and there is pain that seeps through their hearts here and there. I know. I have been there. I understand the emotional ride.

Anyways, I am not sure where I was going with this post. Though I feel empty right now. When I post, I am not looking for pity or for sorrow. I use many parts of my life story to inspire and help others know they are not alone in their personal struggles. Many people go through the same things, whether it be depression, mental disorders, abandonment issues, loss of a loved one, foster care, even suicidal intentions. Many people have been through it.. More than you will know. Open your eyes. Sometimes, people you didn’t know are struggling, are.

Have a good day,

Xo, Sai (:

Just Lost

Don’t let fear hold you back

The foster mom I had growing up treated me horribly. She put it in my head, I’d never change. I could never make a change for myself. She always put me down. She talked down on me. I once took toys to school in my book bag, (I was in 1st or 2nd grade) and she beat the crap out of me because I took toys to school. She abused me for many things, little or big. My foster dad at the time, was never there when she did it, since he was always at work. I feel in my heart, her beating me and abusing me constantly, did not make me want to find strength within me to change for the better. I was constantly living in fear. Living in fear because I was scared if I do one littlest thing wrong, I would get hit for it. I never had hope. I always thought I did everything wrong.

Now that I am an adult, and they abandoned me. Well, I feel less scared; like I am not walking on eggshells. I feel free of the cage I was in. I live with my boyfriend, Brannen. We’ve been together 4 years and best friends for 7 years. Even that I’ve lived with him for 3 years, I still have a tendencies of thinking he’ll treat me like my ex foster family treated me. Not abusive lol. More so like he’ll be mad if I ate all my goldfish crackers, or broke a xbox controller. Those kinds of things. Though, he doesn’t get mad. He never lays a hand on me, or yells at me over the little things. He understands things get broken, or I get hungry. Lol. He is such a great guy. He makes me feel safe. I haven’t been able to be myself. He gave me confidence. He took away my shield of fear. He gave me secureness to feel confident to be myself.

Brannen is the best thing that has ever happened to me. God truly blessed me. I found happiness and a path to better things when I met Brannen. I feel God wanted B and I to meet. He knows B is a great guy with a good heart. He would show me true love and a good friendship. I am forever grateful for B and that God is good.

When times are tough, you can’t give up. I learned that most people give up right before it may be getting better. They never wait that last second or minute. Many people know I was suicidal. They told me that many people who have been in my type of situation, would not have made it this far. So, why me? I don’t understand sometimes how I became this strong. I feel so blessed, yet overwhelmed. I hope to help many people and show them proof that it is possible to never give up! I know God has me. He is always good, and his timing is everything. Whether you want to believe it or not. Miracles are always in the works. Have Faith.

Xo, Sai (:

Don’t let fear hold you back

My Besties

“A close friend is like a rainbow, when the perfect amount of happiness and tears are mixed, the result is a colorful bridge between 2 hearts.” ~ Annoymous

My first best friend in my life was my cat I had growing up. Sometimes animals give a great connection with their owner, only some can really understand. He was my everything. I had him since 1st grade. He’s an old cat now. (He’s with my ex-foster family still.) I pray he is happy and loved. I miss him very much, probably he misses me too. Though today, I am going to talk about my 4 best friends who are humans lol.

Brannen: My #1 best friend of all time is my fiance, Brannen. I met him in 9th grade of high school. He gave me hope of better days. He was there for through the ups and downs of my life. He never gave up on me no matter how dark of the times he went through with me. He makes me feel the safest out of everyone I know. He has never hurt me and he taught me that the truth sets you free. Never lie, be blunt. That is where I get my bluntness from. A lot of people say I am blunt. B taught me never to beat around the bush, hence why I get fustrated when others do it. B saved me from suicide in 9th grade and in freshmen year of college. He was the main reason I got clean and got the helped I needed. I am forever thankful for him. I was the one who met him. I went up to him in gym class. A few different types of gyms classes all met in the big gymnasium sometimes. I went up to him and of course was hyper and excited. I said “hiii!”, and from that moment on we became closer than ever each day that passed. He said the day he met me, was the day he said to himself, “One day I will marry this girl.” Brannen is a very wise guy. He is a christian and has very good morals. He is a US Marine now. Which I adore Marines the most out of all branches of the military!! Ever since I was little, I have had so much respect for them! Ooh Rah!!! Well, I have bragged enough about B. Now onto the next one.

Lizzie: Elizabeth and I met in 5th grade of middle school when I just moved to Georgia. She and I have been close ever since!! We would always be goofy in school and sometimes get into trouble. Though, she kept me positive and happy. She a person I cherish very dear to heart. Our friendship is rare. Why I say that is because, we rarely fight. We really don’t disagree on much. She is my kind of crazy though. Just upset us enough and it’s over. When 2 best friends come together on the same problem.. you might want to apologize before we get heated. Haha. Though, on the other hand, she is a wise person as well. She has such a kind heart and a great personality. I am so thankful for her. I miss her so much. I can’t wait to reunite with her soon enough. Good thing for technology; Facetime, Facebook, Snapchat, etc.
Lauren: Lauren and I met in 6th grade of middle school. I switched schools. She became one of my first friends at the new school. We clicked right away. She is literally my partner in crime. We would always get in trouble in class. They’d purposely not put us in the same groups because once we are together you will never know what can happen. She and I have a special kind of friendship. We can go weeks, even months without talking and just pick up right where we left off!! If you have ever seen Gossip Girl; I am the Serena to her Blaire. We have fought a few times, though at the end of the day, we love each other. I can’t see living a life without her in it. She is a character; very silly. Her imagination is wild, which makes her unique. She understands me too. That’s my goofball. I love and miss her more than words can explain. I can’t wait to reunite with her as well!! We keep up with each other on Facetime, Facebook, etc. Thank goodness!!!
Trejon: Trejon and I met in freshman year of college. He and I became so close within days. He is a very wise owl. He has taught me so much, including self respect and self love. He never gave up on me. When he met me, I was right at the cusp of hitting rock bottom with the suicidal stuff. Though, he kept me afloat even when I was falling hard. Our friendship and bond  never grew grey, it has always been colorful.  He has had my back since day 1.  He showed me what a true friend is. He is like a counselor to me as well. Always gives great advice and has great meaning and positive influence behind it. I will always look up to him. He is my inspiration to do great in life!! I can’t wait for him to B and I soon!!

Friendship is built upon trust, communication, loyalty, respect, commitment, and patience. All of my best friends share that with me. I am forever grateful for them. I am truly blessed.
“Friends are kisses blown to us by Angels.” ~ Anonymous

Xo, Sai

My Besties

Fake Friends

The best way to avoid disappointment is to stop thinking everyone is your friend. I tell it how it is & I won’t sugar coat anything. If you’re not going to take a bullet for me, pick me up when I’m at my worst, help me pay off a bill when I have nothing, or simply be there when I need you emotionally; then you’re not my friend. You are my associate. I’ll do all of that & some more for my real friends. Don’t hit my line up when it’s convenient for you, because I will not answer. Don’t talk to me only when it’s convenient for you, because I will not listen. And don’t you dare slander my name when I’m not around just because I wasn’t there for your convenience, because I will press issue. You are not my friend if you don’t defend my name when I’m not around. You are not my friend if you tell other people what you don’t like about me. You are not my friend. You are my hater. Thank you. I just needed to clarify that.

Fake Friends