What You think and What You know

What you think: 

You all see her as a beautiful girl with a stunning smile. Her hair so silky and long. They see such intelligence and braveness in her. They see strength and wisdom. They see such a positive, uplifting energy beaming from her soul.

What you don’t know:

There is pain flowing through her veins, tears filling up in her eye sockets, exhausting depression where her body feels so weak, and longing for something she has no idea is even in arms reach.

She hides her pain with her stunning, contagious smile. Her beauty glows. No one ever knows when she’s sad or in pain. She holds her head high and seems to hide her pain well.

 What you think and what you know are two different things. Remember that. 

Xo, Sai ❤

What You think and What You know

A bite & then some

I have a bite on my upper right side of my lip. It is quite irritating. I am not sure what bit me, but I woke up with a swollen lip. I am actually allergic to insect bites and bee stings. I have landed myself in the hospital because of my allergic reactions. It sucks. Hopefully my lip becomes less swollen.

I am not only irritated with that, but the fact that the people who live above us, sound like stampeding elephants. I am so annoyed. They keep walking around slamming things. This goes on maybe 2 or 3 times a week, and it is an all day thing. I don’t know what they are doing up there, but other neighbors, have heard them. They are the same neighbors who decided it was okay to say out loud they are going to have a three some. Why would you say that in public, or where everyone could hear you. So disrespectful. I understand we have freedom of speech, though can’t people mind their manners and have some respect.

Anyway, I am in my depressed stage of my bipolar disorder right now. I haven’t been able to get out of the bed until after 12 pm. I feel exhausted and sad. B holds me and kisses me. He tries to make everything better. He even made me a chocolate milkshake last night. It was very delicious.

I tried out one of the Xbox One’s games with gold free games. I played Ryse: Son of Rome. I am usually good at combat games. I am never successful with first person shooter games. I did feel accomplished when I had finished a good amount of the game today. It is a lot of fighting and I really enjoy the game play. I am downloading Onigiri now. I hope I like that too. I believe I like mmorpg games. My favorite games growing up were; Teken, Street Fighter, Sonic, Super Mario, Crash Bandicoot, Zelda, Pokemon (of course), Mortal Kombat, Kingdom Hearts (my favorite of all games), Little Big Planet, and Spyro. Those are my top favorite video games.  (B is more of the video gamer in the family. He has some mad skills!!!)

I hope everyone is having a great day.

Peace. Love. Sai (:

A bite & then some

… It has no power over you.

What kind of mother stops talking to her daughter? What kind of father ignores the fact his daughter was raped a year ago? What kind of family abandons their child after being diagnosed with bipolar disorder? What kind of people do that?

I have never met a more self conceited, back stabbing, no loving, selfish family like them. I am so glad we are not blood related. I was raped a year ago by a sick man. My foster family stopped talking to me in May of 2014. I kept sending my foster dad messages on Facebook. He would leave them as “read”. Though, he never would respond. When I was raped and the police were doing their investigation; I sent my foster dad a message on facebook, telling him what had happened. I thought, maybe just maybe he would answer. Yet he just let it on read. I was so heartbroken. I cried so hard. I literally had so much hope that he’d answer. What father ignores that his daughter was raped? If my child ever was raped or beaten or in a bad situation. I would do everything in my effort to comfort my child, be there for my child, get help for my child. Not ignore them.

Brannen, my brother, my sister, my best friends, and my new mom helped me through the tough time. They comforted me and my mom bought us groceries too. They made me feel safe. I was just so scared. The first few weeks, if Brannen was working late, I either stayed with my mom or a friend would stay with me until Brannen got home. They made sure I remained safe. I didn’t go out for the longest. I wouldn’t leave my apartment for weeks. I had many panic attacks and I just was surrounded by so much fear.

What was so messed up is that. Even after my foster dad had seen the facebook message. When my birthday came in September (The rape was in August.), my foster family sent a birthday card. For the last 3 years, they have sent a birthday card, telling me they love me uncoditioinally and are always thinking about me. That is some bullshit. If you were always thinking of me, you’d pick up the damn phone and call me back after having probably more than 100 of missed calls from me. How about answer all the texts, emails, or letters I sent. If you loved me unconditionally, you wouldn’t have kicked me out without warning after being in a treatment center for suicidal tendencies and having a mental disorder. You gave up on me.

I thought I was righting my wrongs and getting better for the future and for a family who I thought loved me. Yet in reality. I got better for me. I got better for Brannen. I got better for my best friends. I got better for my closest friends. I got better for everyone who truly cared about me and loved me. I got better because I had a chance. God gave me a chance. He was truly trying to open my eyes. I am here. I am alive. I am a living testimony for others. I have so much detail to my life story. I could even write a book series. I want to inspire others not to give up and that they aren’t alone.

I have people tell me, “I can’t fathom what you’ve been through, but I know you are one hell of a strong woman.” I have had people tell me, “I can’t understand why a foster family would adopt a child out of country, then just abandon them after raising them. Like their job was done being a parent.” People tell me, “That is some sad shit and I don’t know how you still smile each day.”

I will tell you something. I smile because I am blessed. I smile because even with that rough past. I am still here and shinnning like no one ever dimmed my light. I will not give up. I will only speak truth. I will keep inspiring others and trying to help others cope with their problems.

I am so blessed to have my new family, my boyfriend, my best friends, and all my friends who truly care and love me for me!! God is great! Everything that was negative, turned into a positive, slowly but surely it did. I am thankful!

“Once you realize your past is just a story, it has no power over you.” ~ Unknown

Xo, Sai (:

 

… It has no power over you.

Maybe…

Sometimes I feel I not good enough. The fact is I have a mental illness. The fact is I was raped. The fact is I was adopted then abandoned. The fact is I was abused. The fact is I was sucidial. The fact is I feel like damaged goods. 

Though among all of those facts, I am still loved by God. Though among all of those facts, I am still loved by Brannen. Though among all of those facts, I am still loved by my friends. Though among all of those facts, my cat still loves me. 

So, why feel such a way, when everyone around me see me no different even with all that baggage and burdens? I should be thankful and honored. Some people would give up on a person like me. Some don’t understand mental illnesses, rape or abuse, etc. So to have people who care and won’t let me hit rock bottom again. I am forever thankful. I don’t know what I did to deserve so many good people in my life. 

Another thing is. Well, I’m exhausted. I remain strong for everyone, including myself. Though what’s damaging is that I put so much effort and time into others. One thing most people will say about me is: Sai is kind, smart, sweet, funny, strong and a great friend. I never give up on my friends. I am the one who is always there for others even when I’m practically doing 5 things at once. I show people I care. I just wish people would return the favor. Maybe that’s why they say I have so much strength. Maybe..

Xo, Sai 

Maybe…

Weeping like the tree

There is a time

That we need to choose

To find our way to follow through

Every time a door shuts in your face….

It bring such a disgrace

Deep down inside your heart

That you want to part

From being alive

In this damaging world

Of hate and mystery of being

Please God, give me a sign

So it does not look like I’m blind

In my faith in which I walk

In the way I must talk

I am depressed

Tears running down my face

Keeping the crinkles in this page wet.

Weeping like the tree

….

 

Xo, Sai

(I remain hopeful of better days. I will be 3 years clean of suicidal thoughts and actions in November. I hope to remain strong and keep my mind clear of these sad, depressing, negative thoughts. I usually write poems to express my inner sadness rather than hurting myself or making negative actions and situations. Writing is a very expressive way to get things out and to feel better. I suggest other do it too. It has helped me tremendously.)

 

Weeping like the tree

My Life Story: Pt 5

Recent updates to my life story are these (2017):

My foster mom won’t let my foster dad talk to me or it will cost him their marriage. The foster brother who raped me is becoming a transgender. My foster family has not talked to me or associated with me since May 2014.

On top of all of that. I was raped recently last year by a sick man. He strangled me; I had bruises on my neck, with other details I do not want to speak of. I have been very traumatically triggered by it. (I did tell me foster dad, thinking he’d respond… though he did not do anything or talk to me about it. That was the last straw & knowing that they don’t care about me or love me anymore.) It has definitely been hard for B and I. Though, B has been so great with me. He has gotten me the help I need to heal from such a traumatic situation.

I have a new family. My brother Samps & my sister Rai. I have a new mother figure in my life too. Her name is Amy or as I call her my mama. She helped B & I through a lot and has blessed us with new stuff for our apartment. She is an angel to our family.

Also, I am praying God will open the door to hopefully finding my birth mom one day. I know think of her as a beautiful woman. I am here because she gave birth to me. Yes, she gave me up, though she did it for a good purpose. I have a lot more freedom here in the USA than I would in India. I know she didn’t have the money at the time to support me. I know she loved me enough to give me up. She had enough Faith in God, that I would be okay, & stay strong & safe under God’s protection. I am still here & staying strong for myself, God, & for my birth mom. If I am a beautiful person with a good heart; then I am pretty sure I got it from my birth mom.

Thank you for reading my story. I have already inspired many people. I hope to inspire you all too!! These are all true points in my life. I continue to share it with others who struggle, especially the adolescents. A lot of people tell me, many would not have made it to where I am in life. They tell me, a lot would give up or kill themselves. I am so thankful God gave me a chance to choose life & continue on my walk with the Lord.

I am so grateful for all who stuck by me through the darkest of times to the brightest of times. I am so thankful for my best friends, Lizzie, Trejon, & Lauren. Of course I am very thankful for Brannen. He is such a gentleman to me & takes care of me each & every day. His love for me has never lessened. He is my best friend & soul mate. I love him so much! I am thankful for my brother Samps, & my sisters Rai & Chiyan. They are my high spirits & reminders that I can get through this. Just take it day by day. I love my cat Shadow. He is such a goof ball & he gives me a reason to smile even when I do not want to. He cuddles with me & gives me kitty kisses with his wet nose. He can be annoying at times, though he is definitely a good cat. I thank my closest friends for also being there for me. They never judged me, yet cared even more about me than I could even imagine they would. I am thankful God is with me always & keeps good people around me to lift me up when I fall down.

I love you all so much. I appreciate the love, care, & support from all my fans on my blog, Instagram, Snapchat, Twitter, & Facebook. You all give me hope & a reason to keep pushing & getting up each day. Everything will be alright in the end. I want to write a book on my life story. I already have a title for it. I guess I will be patient & see how successful I can become & inspire more & more each day.

P.S. ~ As my motto goes: Spreading Positivity Like PB & J.

Much Love To You All,

Peace. Love. Sai 🙂

My Life Story: Pt 5

My Life Story: Pt 4

​So my foster parents & I haven’t talked since May 2014. Almost a year. They won’t respond to any calls, texts, emails, or letters. Though they each Christmas & birthday they sent me a birthday card; saying they think about me everyday & love me unconditionally… but sit there & tell everyone they have no clue where I am. They don’t respond to me.They said I could come live with Brannen. My foster mother specifically said she thought it would be a good idea. I have been through trauma & life lessons. Though, I kept my faith strong. I grew close to God.

Now I am just dealing with my mental disorder, & trying to let go of my past (I did recently send my “mother” a letter saying that I forgave her), & I am trying to get over this sickness I have had August 2014 (been vomiting every day & everything; had a medical procedure done— they didn’t find anything wrong in my stomach, & I have lost over 20 pounds in the last 6 months. I have been in the hospital a lot & became very weak. I prayed everyday that God heals me & a miracle will happen & I could stop throwing up. I haven’t thrown up as much since Christmas 2015, & just strengthening my Faith & knowing God has a plan for each one of us here on this Earth.

He is using me to help others who have been through what I have been through. I am here to help people stay strong & not give up, and to tell them there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I celebrate 4 years with Brannen November of 2017. On November 28,2017 I will be three years not suicidal. I’ve become so strong.

Also, I forgot to mention that yes, I told my parents 9 years later (2009- freshman year in high school) about my brother raping me. My “mother” did not believe me even as I told her the evidence. My “father” on the other hand, I can’t really tell what he thinks. My “mother” makes him go with what she believes. She said I was sick & wrong for saying that my brother did such a thing. I am hurt that she would think I would lie about rape. About that situation; she denies a lot, & it’s a struggle.

Though, I am writing my book & I am going to publish it. I am going to inspire the world around me, & the young people who think they can’t do it. I will share my story to show them that All things are possible through God.

P.S. ~ As my motto goes: Spreading Positivity Like PB & J.

Much Love To You All,

Peace. Love. Sai 🙂

My Life Story: Pt 4