Drowning

I stood there while the hot steamy water rapidly beat down on my bare figure. I could feel my heartbeat speeding up. My eye sockets started filling with salty tears. My body became heavy as I dropped to the hard surface of the tub. I am just about breathless. At this point, the water is almost drowning me. I felt like I was in the middle of a rain storm. The water is washing away my worries and being poured down the drain. The bathroom was foggy like the clouds in the sky.

I am still here staying strong, Sai

 

 

Drowning

R.I.P. Rico

I lost a very close friend of mine the other day. He died of an unexpected heart attack. I am so exhausted from crying and being so depressed over it. He is one of the positive influences in my life. He gave me hope and shaped me in ways unexplainable. He gave me light of better days. He wiped my tears when crying. He kept me afloat when things got hard. He was a teacher, a friend, a life coach, an inspiration for many. Now he is gone. Everyone is devastated, especially each person who’s lives he touched. I don’t understand death. I do understand when our time comes, it comes. Once we do our deeds on this Earth, God brings us home. Home as in Heaven. His time on this earth was done. He did all his good deeds or whatever God sent him on this earth to do. 

I can’t even type anymore without crying again. I’m sorry. 

I love you Rico. Rest In Peace my amazing friend. I know you’re watching over me. 

Love, Sai ❤️

R.I.P. Rico

She was my bully. 

When a kid is abused. They are either physically, mentally, emotionally, & or sexually. They are scarred, bruised, ashamed & exhausted.  They are broken inside with a mind full of fear. They don’t know who’s going to hurt them next. Whether it be a broken heart or bullies beating them up. Love isn’t a word fathomable for an abuse victims ears. 

I would know. I was abused as a kid. My foster mom was horrible to me. If I bad mouthed to her; she’d make me swallow liquid soap. My throat would be stinging for days. She would give me bloody noses and blame me for why my nose was bleeding. She beat me continuously. She sewed into my skin while trying to fix my tutu for dance. I screamed for her to stop as I was crying and bleeding. Yet she kept going. Maybe like 3 stitches till she stopped. I cried in pain as blood was dripping down my belly. She was scary to me. I was so scared of her. She was my biggest bully. That’s the saddest part. It wasn’t even kids at school who I could say bullied me. No, my bully was my own foster mother.

She was my bully. 

She is not my bully now. She’ll never be able to have that control over me again. I will never let her put me through pain. She’s not in my life anymore. She cut me off in 2013. I would never go back to that negativity. I am strong. I am an abuse victim survivor. 

Deep in thought,

Sai 💜

She was my bully. 

What You think and What You know

What you think: 

You all see her as a beautiful girl with a stunning smile. Her hair so silky and long. They see such intelligence and braveness in her. They see strength and wisdom. They see such a positive, uplifting energy beaming from her soul.

What you don’t know:

There is pain flowing through her veins, tears filling up in her eye sockets, exhausting depression where her body feels so weak, and longing for something she has no idea is even in arms reach.

She hides her pain with her stunning, contagious smile. Her beauty glows. No one ever knows when she’s sad or in pain. She holds her head high and seems to hide her pain well.

 What you think and what you know are two different things. Remember that. 

Xo, Sai ❤

What You think and What You know

A bite & then some

I have a bite on my upper right side of my lip. It is quite irritating. I am not sure what bit me, but I woke up with a swollen lip. I am actually allergic to insect bites and bee stings. I have landed myself in the hospital because of my allergic reactions. It sucks. Hopefully my lip becomes less swollen.

I am not only irritated with that, but the fact that the people who live above us, sound like stampeding elephants. I am so annoyed. They keep walking around slamming things. This goes on maybe 2 or 3 times a week, and it is an all day thing. I don’t know what they are doing up there, but other neighbors, have heard them. They are the same neighbors who decided it was okay to say out loud they are going to have a three some. Why would you say that in public, or where everyone could hear you. So disrespectful. I understand we have freedom of speech, though can’t people mind their manners and have some respect.

Anyway, I am in my depressed stage of my bipolar disorder right now. I haven’t been able to get out of the bed until after 12 pm. I feel exhausted and sad. B holds me and kisses me. He tries to make everything better. He even made me a chocolate milkshake last night. It was very delicious.

I tried out one of the Xbox One’s games with gold free games. I played Ryse: Son of Rome. I am usually good at combat games. I am never successful with first person shooter games. I did feel accomplished when I had finished a good amount of the game today. It is a lot of fighting and I really enjoy the game play. I am downloading Onigiri now. I hope I like that too. I believe I like mmorpg games. My favorite games growing up were; Teken, Street Fighter, Sonic, Super Mario, Crash Bandicoot, Zelda, Pokemon (of course), Mortal Kombat, Kingdom Hearts (my favorite of all games), Little Big Planet, and Spyro. Those are my top favorite video games.  (B is more of the video gamer in the family. He has some mad skills!!!)

I hope everyone is having a great day.

Peace. Love. Sai (:

A bite & then some

… It has no power over you.

What kind of mother stops talking to her daughter? What kind of father ignores the fact his daughter was raped a year ago? What kind of family abandons their child after being diagnosed with bipolar disorder? What kind of people do that?

I have never met a more self conceited, back stabbing, no loving, selfish family like them. I am so glad we are not blood related. I was raped a year ago by a sick man. My foster family stopped talking to me in May of 2014. I kept sending my foster dad messages on Facebook. He would leave them as “read”. Though, he never would respond. When I was raped and the police were doing their investigation; I sent my foster dad a message on facebook, telling him what had happened. I thought, maybe just maybe he would answer. Yet he just let it on read. I was so heartbroken. I cried so hard. I literally had so much hope that he’d answer. What father ignores that his daughter was raped? If my child ever was raped or beaten or in a bad situation. I would do everything in my effort to comfort my child, be there for my child, get help for my child. Not ignore them.

Brannen, my brother, my sister, my best friends, and my new mom helped me through the tough time. They comforted me and my mom bought us groceries too. They made me feel safe. I was just so scared. The first few weeks, if Brannen was working late, I either stayed with my mom or a friend would stay with me until Brannen got home. They made sure I remained safe. I didn’t go out for the longest. I wouldn’t leave my apartment for weeks. I had many panic attacks and I just was surrounded by so much fear.

What was so messed up is that. Even after my foster dad had seen the facebook message. When my birthday came in September (The rape was in August.), my foster family sent a birthday card. For the last 3 years, they have sent a birthday card, telling me they love me uncoditioinally and are always thinking about me. That is some bullshit. If you were always thinking of me, you’d pick up the damn phone and call me back after having probably more than 100 of missed calls from me. How about answer all the texts, emails, or letters I sent. If you loved me unconditionally, you wouldn’t have kicked me out without warning after being in a treatment center for suicidal tendencies and having a mental disorder. You gave up on me.

I thought I was righting my wrongs and getting better for the future and for a family who I thought loved me. Yet in reality. I got better for me. I got better for Brannen. I got better for my best friends. I got better for my closest friends. I got better for everyone who truly cared about me and loved me. I got better because I had a chance. God gave me a chance. He was truly trying to open my eyes. I am here. I am alive. I am a living testimony for others. I have so much detail to my life story. I could even write a book series. I want to inspire others not to give up and that they aren’t alone.

I have people tell me, “I can’t fathom what you’ve been through, but I know you are one hell of a strong woman.” I have had people tell me, “I can’t understand why a foster family would adopt a child out of country, then just abandon them after raising them. Like their job was done being a parent.” People tell me, “That is some sad shit and I don’t know how you still smile each day.”

I will tell you something. I smile because I am blessed. I smile because even with that rough past. I am still here and shinnning like no one ever dimmed my light. I will not give up. I will only speak truth. I will keep inspiring others and trying to help others cope with their problems.

I am so blessed to have my new family, my boyfriend, my best friends, and all my friends who truly care and love me for me!! God is great! Everything that was negative, turned into a positive, slowly but surely it did. I am thankful!

“Once you realize your past is just a story, it has no power over you.” ~ Unknown

Xo, Sai (:

 

… It has no power over you.

Maybe…

Sometimes I feel I not good enough. The fact is I have a mental illness. The fact is I was raped. The fact is I was adopted then abandoned. The fact is I was abused. The fact is I was sucidial. The fact is I feel like damaged goods. 

Though among all of those facts, I am still loved by God. Though among all of those facts, I am still loved by Brannen. Though among all of those facts, I am still loved by my friends. Though among all of those facts, my cat still loves me. 

So, why feel such a way, when everyone around me see me no different even with all that baggage and burdens? I should be thankful and honored. Some people would give up on a person like me. Some don’t understand mental illnesses, rape or abuse, etc. So to have people who care and won’t let me hit rock bottom again. I am forever thankful. I don’t know what I did to deserve so many good people in my life. 

Another thing is. Well, I’m exhausted. I remain strong for everyone, including myself. Though what’s damaging is that I put so much effort and time into others. One thing most people will say about me is: Sai is kind, smart, sweet, funny, strong and a great friend. I never give up on my friends. I am the one who is always there for others even when I’m practically doing 5 things at once. I show people I care. I just wish people would return the favor. Maybe that’s why they say I have so much strength. Maybe..

Xo, Sai 

Maybe…