I miss you

Have you ever missed someone, without even meeting them? I do. I miss my mother, even though I have never met her. I have been depressed lately. I am not sure if it was triggered by the fact that mother’s day is indeed tomorrow.

Last night, B and I bought his mom mother’s gifts. As I was grabbing some items, my friend asked me what I was getting my mother, since she saw me buying things for B’s mom. My friend wasn’t aware of my situation yet. She though I could ship the gifts to India. She had no clue I haven’t my mother.

Is it weird for me to say I love my mother? I think the world of her. I dream of her and the beauty she holds. I pray one day, I meet her. I feel a spark in my heart that one day I could be standing side by side with my mother. I could somehow stumble upon her. The world is so small. Fate has a way. God has a plan.

I am sad. An orphan I was born. An orphan I became again. Though, I have a mother. I have a father. I will dream until my wish comes true. That is my biggest wish of all. That is my dream. Most people dream and wish to be married or to have a fairy tale life. Others wish to have a roof over their head and food on the table. I wish to meet my mother. We all have wishes and dreams.

What is yours?

Xo, Sai

 

I miss you

It’s my mama’s bday!!

Mama!!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAYYY!!! I am so blessed to know you! You have changed my life for the better!! I really appreciate your presence in B & my life! I am more than thankful for everything you’ve done for us! I’m glad I can call you my mama. I’m so proud of that! It makes me feel loved & cared for! I almost lost faith in the word family until you entered my life. God restored what I had lost and gave me something even better which was you. You are the definition of what a real and true mother is. You sacrifice anything to make sure your family is cared for and they know that they are loved. I admire how strong you are and how genuinely kind you are to your family and everyone around you. Thank you for inspiring me and letting me be one of your own and accepting me into your family. You have a beautiful heart & soul!!! I love youuu! YOU ARE THE BEST!!! Have an amazing day! 😁🙌👑💖

Love Always, Sai 

(This post is for a woman in my life that I call my mama. She has been present in my life for about 3 years now. I admire her & I am so grateful to have such a beautiful woman in my life who I can call my mama or mommy.) 

It’s my mama’s bday!!

… It has no power over you.

What kind of mother stops talking to her daughter? What kind of father ignores the fact his daughter was raped a year ago? What kind of family abandons their child after being diagnosed with bipolar disorder? What kind of people do that?

I have never met a more self conceited, back stabbing, no loving, selfish family like them. I am so glad we are not blood related. I was raped a year ago by a sick man. My foster family stopped talking to me in May of 2014. I kept sending my foster dad messages on Facebook. He would leave them as “read”. Though, he never would respond. When I was raped and the police were doing their investigation; I sent my foster dad a message on facebook, telling him what had happened. I thought, maybe just maybe he would answer. Yet he just let it on read. I was so heartbroken. I cried so hard. I literally had so much hope that he’d answer. What father ignores that his daughter was raped? If my child ever was raped or beaten or in a bad situation. I would do everything in my effort to comfort my child, be there for my child, get help for my child. Not ignore them.

Brannen, my brother, my sister, my best friends, and my new mom helped me through the tough time. They comforted me and my mom bought us groceries too. They made me feel safe. I was just so scared. The first few weeks, if Brannen was working late, I either stayed with my mom or a friend would stay with me until Brannen got home. They made sure I remained safe. I didn’t go out for the longest. I wouldn’t leave my apartment for weeks. I had many panic attacks and I just was surrounded by so much fear.

What was so messed up is that. Even after my foster dad had seen the facebook message. When my birthday came in September (The rape was in August.), my foster family sent a birthday card. For the last 3 years, they have sent a birthday card, telling me they love me uncoditioinally and are always thinking about me. That is some bullshit. If you were always thinking of me, you’d pick up the damn phone and call me back after having probably more than 100 of missed calls from me. How about answer all the texts, emails, or letters I sent. If you loved me unconditionally, you wouldn’t have kicked me out without warning after being in a treatment center for suicidal tendencies and having a mental disorder. You gave up on me.

I thought I was righting my wrongs and getting better for the future and for a family who I thought loved me. Yet in reality. I got better for me. I got better for Brannen. I got better for my best friends. I got better for my closest friends. I got better for everyone who truly cared about me and loved me. I got better because I had a chance. God gave me a chance. He was truly trying to open my eyes. I am here. I am alive. I am a living testimony for others. I have so much detail to my life story. I could even write a book series. I want to inspire others not to give up and that they aren’t alone.

I have people tell me, “I can’t fathom what you’ve been through, but I know you are one hell of a strong woman.” I have had people tell me, “I can’t understand why a foster family would adopt a child out of country, then just abandon them after raising them. Like their job was done being a parent.” People tell me, “That is some sad shit and I don’t know how you still smile each day.”

I will tell you something. I smile because I am blessed. I smile because even with that rough past. I am still here and shinnning like no one ever dimmed my light. I will not give up. I will only speak truth. I will keep inspiring others and trying to help others cope with their problems.

I am so blessed to have my new family, my boyfriend, my best friends, and all my friends who truly care and love me for me!! God is great! Everything that was negative, turned into a positive, slowly but surely it did. I am thankful!

“Once you realize your past is just a story, it has no power over you.” ~ Unknown

Xo, Sai (:

 

… It has no power over you.

Just Lost

Sometimes I feel lost. I don’t have family other than my new foster brother and sister. (Which I grately appreciate them more than words can explain.) Though, my one of my many dreams in life is to find and meet my birthmom. I feel lost; somewhat empty. It is hard, when someone asks about my mother. I just say I don’t know her. I just believe I got my beauty, brains, and confidence from her. I keep having Faith and hope that a lot of characteristics I have, I get from her. I never have thought about what my father is like. To be honest. I haven’t really ever thought hard about him. I think I’ve always had a dream to find my birthmom. That is who I’ve longed to meet. If someone asked me, “If you could meet anyone in the whole entire world, who would it be?” I would most likely say, “My birthmom would be the first on the list.”

One thing about being a foster kid is this. You can get more than one family. Especially if they treat you wrong. Though, that wasn’t the case with me, since I was adopted. Though social services were involved, when my foster mom physically abused me. The elementary school had put in a report.

Another thing about family when it comes to foster kids is that, you are not connected by a blood or genetic bond. Kids who get with a great foster family with good morals, etc are very lucky and blessed. The others who have to jump to a new home every few weeks, it is very tough on them. I lived in a group home when my foster family kicked me to the curb. I was so scared. I was lost. I felt so empty. Not because I didn’t have a family. Though, because these girls I lived with had been so hurt by their past, and by things that happened in the foster care system. I could feel their pain and sorrow. I felt so sad for them. Everyone has a story and there is pain that seeps through their hearts here and there. I know. I have been there. I understand the emotional ride.

Anyways, I am not sure where I was going with this post. Though I feel empty right now. When I post, I am not looking for pity or for sorrow. I use many parts of my life story to inspire and help others know they are not alone in their personal struggles. Many people go through the same things, whether it be depression, mental disorders, abandonment issues, loss of a loved one, foster care, even suicidal intentions. Many people have been through it.. More than you will know. Open your eyes. Sometimes, people you didn’t know are struggling, are.

Have a good day,

Xo, Sai (:

Just Lost

Don’t let fear hold you back

The foster mom I had growing up treated me horribly. She put it in my head, I’d never change. I could never make a change for myself. She always put me down. She talked down on me. I once took toys to school in my book bag, (I was in 1st or 2nd grade) and she beat the crap out of me because I took toys to school. She abused me for many things, little or big. My foster dad at the time, was never there when she did it, since he was always at work. I feel in my heart, her beating me and abusing me constantly, did not make me want to find strength within me to change for the better. I was constantly living in fear. Living in fear because I was scared if I do one littlest thing wrong, I would get hit for it. I never had hope. I always thought I did everything wrong.

Now that I am an adult, and they abandoned me. Well, I feel less scared; like I am not walking on eggshells. I feel free of the cage I was in. I live with my boyfriend, Brannen. We’ve been together 4 years and best friends for 7 years. Even that I’ve lived with him for 3 years, I still have a tendencies of thinking he’ll treat me like my ex foster family treated me. Not abusive lol. More so like he’ll be mad if I ate all my goldfish crackers, or broke a xbox controller. Those kinds of things. Though, he doesn’t get mad. He never lays a hand on me, or yells at me over the little things. He understands things get broken, or I get hungry. Lol. He is such a great guy. He makes me feel safe. I haven’t been able to be myself. He gave me confidence. He took away my shield of fear. He gave me secureness to feel confident to be myself.

Brannen is the best thing that has ever happened to me. God truly blessed me. I found happiness and a path to better things when I met Brannen. I feel God wanted B and I to meet. He knows B is a great guy with a good heart. He would show me true love and a good friendship. I am forever grateful for B and that God is good.

When times are tough, you can’t give up. I learned that most people give up right before it may be getting better. They never wait that last second or minute. Many people know I was suicidal. They told me that many people who have been in my type of situation, would not have made it this far. So, why me? I don’t understand sometimes how I became this strong. I feel so blessed, yet overwhelmed. I hope to help many people and show them proof that it is possible to never give up! I know God has me. He is always good, and his timing is everything. Whether you want to believe it or not. Miracles are always in the works. Have Faith.

Xo, Sai (:

Don’t let fear hold you back

Special Day For Me

Today is daylight savings. Though, it is also a special day for me personally. I was born in Hyderabad, India in 1994. I was put in a orphanage till I was 18 months old. I came over to America in 1996. Today is my anniversary of coming to America. I am thankful for all the people I have in my life. I love you all and God has truly blessed me with a beautiful life.

Xo, Sai (:

Special Day For Me

My Besties

"A close friend is like a rainbow, when the perfect amount of happiness and tears are mixed, the result is a colorful bridge between 2 hearts." ~ Annoymous

My first best friend in my life was my cat I had growing up. Sometimes animals give a great connection with their owner, only some can really understand. He was my everything. I had him since 1st grade. He's an old cat now. (He's with my ex-foster family still.) I pray he is happy and loved. I miss him very much, probably he misses me too. Though today, I am going to talk about my 4 best friends who are humans lol.

Brannen: My #1 best friend of all time is my fiance, Brannen. I met him in 9th grade of high school. He gave me hope of better days. He was there for through the ups and downs of my life. He never gave up on me no matter how dark of the times he went through with me. He makes me feel the safest out of everyone I know. He has never hurt me and he taught me that the truth sets you free. Never lie, be blunt. That is where I get my bluntness from. A lot of people say I am blunt. B taught me never to beat around the bush, hence why I get fustrated when others do it. B saved me from suicide in 9th grade and in freshmen year of college. He was the main reason I got clean and got the helped I needed. I am forever thankful for him. I was the one who met him. I went up to him in gym class. A few different types of gyms classes all met in the big gymnasium sometimes. I went up to him and of course was hyper and excited. I said "hiii!", and from that moment on we became closer than ever each day that passed. He said the day he met me, was the day he said to himself, "One day I will marry this girl." Brannen is a very wise guy. He is a christian and has very good morals. He is a US Marine now. Which I adore Marines the most out of all branches of the military!! Ever since I was little, I have had so much respect for them! Ooh Rah!!! Well, I have bragged enough about B. Now onto the next one.

Lizzie: Elizabeth and I met in 5th grade of middle school when I just moved to Georgia. She and I have been close ever since!! We would always be goofy in school and sometimes get into trouble. Though, she kept me positive and happy. She a person I cherish very dear to heart. Our friendship is rare. Why I say that is because, we rarely fight. We really don't disagree on much. She is my kind of crazy though. Just upset us enough and it's over. When 2 best friends come together on the same problem.. you might want to apologize before we get heated. Haha. Though, on the other hand, she is a wise person as well. She has such a kind heart and a great personality. I am so thankful for her. I miss her so much. I can't wait to reunite with her soon enough. Good thing for technology; Facetime, Facebook, Snapchat, etc.
Trejon: Trejon and I met in freshman year of college. He and I became so close within days. He is a very wise owl. He has taught me so much, including self respect and self love. He never gave up on me. When he met me, I was right at the cusp of hitting rock bottom with the suicidal stuff. Though, he kept me afloat even when I was falling hard. Our friendship and bond  never grew grey, it has always been colorful.  He has had my back since day 1.  He showed me what a true friend is. He is like a counselor to me as well. Always gives great advice and has great meaning and positive influence behind it. I will always look up to him. He is my inspiration to do great in life!! I can't wait for him to B and I soon!!

Friendship is built upon trust, communication, loyalty, respect, commitment, and patience. All of my best friends share that with me. I am forever grateful for them. I am truly blessed.
"Friends are kisses blown to us by Angels." ~ Anonymous

Xo, Sai

My Besties