Choked

B just saved me!! I was choking on popcorn!! It went down the wrong tube! Thankfully B came into the bedroom and helped me stop choking. I was so scared. I grabbed his shirt because I could barely breathe. He always makes me feel safer especially if I hold his hand or when scrunch his shirt with my hand. I don’t think I’ve ever choked that bad before. If I have, it’s been too long to remember such a feeling. 

Xo, Sai 

Choked

My Life Story: Pt 4

​So my foster parents & I haven’t talked since May 2014. Almost a year. They won’t respond to any calls, texts, emails, or letters. Though they each Christmas & birthday they sent me a birthday card; saying they think about me everyday & love me unconditionally… but sit there & tell everyone they have no clue where I am. They don’t respond to me.They said I could come live with Brannen. My foster mother specifically said she thought it would be a good idea. I have been through trauma & life lessons. Though, I kept my faith strong. I grew close to God.

Now I am just dealing with my mental disorder, & trying to let go of my past (I did recently send my “mother” a letter saying that I forgave her), & I am trying to get over this sickness I have had August 2014 (been vomiting every day & everything; had a medical procedure done— they didn’t find anything wrong in my stomach, & I have lost over 20 pounds in the last 6 months. I have been in the hospital a lot & became very weak. I prayed everyday that God heals me & a miracle will happen & I could stop throwing up. I haven’t thrown up as much since Christmas 2015, & just strengthening my Faith & knowing God has a plan for each one of us here on this Earth.

He is using me to help others who have been through what I have been through. I am here to help people stay strong & not give up, and to tell them there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I celebrate 4 years with Brannen November of 2017. On November 28,2017 I will be three years not suicidal. I’ve become so strong.

Also, I forgot to mention that yes, I told my parents 9 years later (2009- freshman year in high school) about my brother raping me. My “mother” did not believe me even as I told her the evidence. My “father” on the other hand, I can’t really tell what he thinks. My “mother” makes him go with what she believes. She said I was sick & wrong for saying that my brother did such a thing. I am hurt that she would think I would lie about rape. About that situation; she denies a lot, & it’s a struggle.

Though, I am writing my book & I am going to publish it. I am going to inspire the world around me, & the young people who think they can’t do it. I will share my story to show them that All things are possible through God.

P.S. ~ As my motto goes: Spreading Positivity Like PB & J.

Much Love To You All,

Peace. Love. Sai 🙂

My Life Story: Pt 4

My Life Story: Pt 1

​​Hi. My birth name is Sai Chandrika, which means Goddess of the Moon & the Stars. My American name is Erika. (My name was changed in America when I was adopted. Though, I am hoping to legally change it back to my birth name Sai soon enough. Sai is pronounced like sigh. Lol.)  I was adopted from Hyderabad, India when I was 18 months old. I came to America & was adopted by a Caucasian rich family. I lived in the south all my life: Florida, Plano, Texas, Georgia, Florida, & then I finally moved without my family to Michigan from 2014 to present. I had an older foster brother; he is 5 years older than me. He’s adopted from Florida.

Anyway, I don’t remember anything until I turned the age of 4 years old. I was a very active little girl. I was involved in indoor & outdoor soccer, basketball, sideline cheerleading, competition all-star cheerleading (I was nominated Top All-American Cheerleader by NCA—National Cheerleaders Association & I am a year round champion for all my all-star teams), dance (tap, jazz, ballet, hip hop, The Nutcracker Production, Dance Company, & acrobatics..), I did karate but only the white belt— my foster brother finished his karate & is a black belt in Tae Kwon Do. I love to sing, write poems, & draw, but between all of that…

I was physically abused by my “mother” from kindergarten to 4th grade. She punched me, shoved me, gave me bloody noses, threw me on the ground, stepped on me, hit me, ripped my skin off my face & left bloody scratches.

I’ll tell you about the bloody scratches: I went to school the next day & I still had bloody remains on my face & was scratched up pretty bad, but fortunately Social Services came to my school that day to talk to me & take pictures of my face. It was probably my teachers who told the authorities. Anyway, my mom had to sign a paper saying she would not hurt me physically on purpose again. She told it was my fault that they got involved though.

She denied everything, & then in third grade (2003), I was about 9 or 10 years old when my foster brother (the adopted one who is 5 years older than me) raped me continuously throughout that year. The very first time was the most disgusting memory & traumatic experience I ever had. I remember every part of the incident, & all the other times when he did it again, I remember them too. He told me if I ever told anyone, he would kill me. So, as a child of young age, I did not have the guts to speak up to anyone.

Then my parents had me going to a therapist & a psychiatrist all my life. People would call me a wild child. At a very young age, they diagnosed me with ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder). They had me on medication for the disorder to try to calm the symptoms. After that, we moved to Georgia in 2005, which was my fifth grade year in school. Years go by & high school starts.

P.S. ~ As my motto goes: Spreading Positivity Like PB & J.

Much Love To You All,

Peace. Love. Sai 🙂

My Life Story: Pt 1

Potatoes??

Can someone please tell me why girls compare themselves to potatoes? They say they look like a potato as in ugly. Haven’t they learned it’s not what’s on the outside that matters, but what’s on the inside. I mean damn. Potatoes turn into some beautiful ish! Like fries, hash browns, sweet potatoes, mashed potatoes, freaking soup, & even potatoe pancakes!! Y’all actually give yourself a compliment when you call yourself a potatoe. ~Xo, Sai

Potatoes??

My Best Friend (:

Have you ever looked into someone’s eyes and just saw pain seeping through their pupils? They stand there smiling with a kind expression, though you can see right through them like a shattered mirror. Why are they hiding such darkness inside them? When I met my best friend, he saw right through me. I was so hyper and talkative, though he could see past the “happy self” I had in a sense faked. I was genuinely happy, though sadness ran through my veins. If you ask anyone about me; they will say I’m kind, compassionate, friendly, and always happy and smiling. Though they never took the time to really look at me, talk to me, get to know me. My best friend has always known my true self. Sometimes, better than I have. He is my best friend, my human diary, my love of my life. One of the things I admire most about him is that he never once gave up on me. From being suicidal, to moving states away, to now having a mental illness for the rest of my life and him taking care of me everyday. He never once gave up on me or left my side. He never loved me any less. Ever since the day we met 7 years ago, he’s loved me. That is either one stubborn guy or a real man who loves me more than maybe he will ever understand. One day I will marry him. I love him so much. I am blessed to have my best friend as my soul mate. 

My Best Friend (:

Depression

I am depressed. Today I have been on the verge of crying all day. Have you ever had that? Where you feel like you’re about to break, though you can’t. I have bipolar disorder. I am in my depressive stage. I don’t like my depressive stage. It is exhausting. I feel so lonely. Like things go through my mind that shouldn’t. As if I am not thinking clearly. It is like I don’t even know myself. I don’t know if I should believe I’m happy when I’m manic.Then it’s like when I’m depressed, should I agree that I am not happy with my life or myself. I feel like I don’t belong sometimes. I really feel different. I sometimes feel helpless. I feel sad. I’m really roughing it right now. I wish I could stay happy all the time. Everyone knows I’m genuinely happy.Though when I have been depressed, I am not happy in those moments or time period. 

Depression