R.I.P. Rico

I lost a very close friend of mine the other day. He died of an unexpected heart attack. I am so exhausted from crying and being so depressed over it. He is one of the positive influences in my life. He gave me hope and shaped me in ways unexplainable. He gave me light of better days. He wiped my tears when crying. He kept me afloat when things got hard. He was a teacher, a friend, a life coach, an inspiration for many. Now he is gone. Everyone is devastated, especially each person who’s lives he touched. I don’t understand death. I do understand when our time comes, it comes. Once we do our deeds on this Earth, God brings us home. Home as in Heaven. His time on this earth was done. He did all his good deeds or whatever God sent him on this earth to do. 

I can’t even type anymore without crying again. I’m sorry. 

I love you Rico. Rest In Peace my amazing friend. I know you’re watching over me. 

Love, Sai ❤️

R.I.P. Rico

Not sure why

Not sure why people judge when they don’t even check themselves first.

Not sure why people blame others for their unsuccessful lives. 

Not sure why people think violence is the way to make the world peaceful. 

Not sure why people can’t understand mental illness. 

Not sure why people make memes out of everything. 

Not sure why people can’t accept the truth. 

Not sure why sex is more important to teenagers than good grades and pleasing their parents. 

Not sure why equality isn’t an option because everyone still sees skin color as a major difference. 

Not sure why we can’t all just be mature. 

Not sure why I can’t fathom all of this. 

Not sure why I am unsure. 
Pondering at 3:19 am.

Sai 

Not sure why

She was my bully. 

When a kid is abused. They are either physically, mentally, emotionally, & or sexually. They are scarred, bruised, ashamed & exhausted.  They are broken inside with a mind full of fear. They don’t know who’s going to hurt them next. Whether it be a broken heart or bullies beating them up. Love isn’t a word fathomable for an abuse victims ears. 

I would know. I was abused as a kid. My foster mom was horrible to me. If I bad mouthed to her; she’d make me swallow liquid soap. My throat would be stinging for days. She would give me bloody noses and blame me for why my nose was bleeding. She beat me continuously. She sewed into my skin while trying to fix my tutu for dance. I screamed for her to stop as I was crying and bleeding. Yet she kept going. Maybe like 3 stitches till she stopped. I cried in pain as blood was dripping down my belly. She was scary to me. I was so scared of her. She was my biggest bully. That’s the saddest part. It wasn’t even kids at school who I could say bullied me. No, my bully was my own foster mother.

She was my bully. 

She is not my bully now. She’ll never be able to have that control over me again. I will never let her put me through pain. She’s not in my life anymore. She cut me off in 2013. I would never go back to that negativity. I am strong. I am an abuse victim survivor. 

Deep in thought,

Sai 💜

She was my bully. 

Choked

B just saved me!! I was choking on popcorn!! It went down the wrong tube! Thankfully B came into the bedroom and helped me stop choking. I was so scared. I grabbed his shirt because I could barely breathe. He always makes me feel safer especially if I hold his hand or when scrunch his shirt with my hand. I don’t think I’ve ever choked that bad before. If I have, it’s been too long to remember such a feeling. 

Xo, Sai 

Choked

My Life Story: Pt 4

​So my foster parents & I haven’t talked since May 2014. Almost a year. They won’t respond to any calls, texts, emails, or letters. Though they each Christmas & birthday they sent me a birthday card; saying they think about me everyday & love me unconditionally… but sit there & tell everyone they have no clue where I am. They don’t respond to me.They said I could come live with Brannen. My foster mother specifically said she thought it would be a good idea. I have been through trauma & life lessons. Though, I kept my faith strong. I grew close to God.

Now I am just dealing with my mental disorder, & trying to let go of my past (I did recently send my “mother” a letter saying that I forgave her), & I am trying to get over this sickness I have had August 2014 (been vomiting every day & everything; had a medical procedure done— they didn’t find anything wrong in my stomach, & I have lost over 20 pounds in the last 6 months. I have been in the hospital a lot & became very weak. I prayed everyday that God heals me & a miracle will happen & I could stop throwing up. I haven’t thrown up as much since Christmas 2015, & just strengthening my Faith & knowing God has a plan for each one of us here on this Earth.

He is using me to help others who have been through what I have been through. I am here to help people stay strong & not give up, and to tell them there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I celebrate 4 years with Brannen November of 2017. On November 28,2017 I will be three years not suicidal. I’ve become so strong.

Also, I forgot to mention that yes, I told my parents 9 years later (2009- freshman year in high school) about my brother raping me. My “mother” did not believe me even as I told her the evidence. My “father” on the other hand, I can’t really tell what he thinks. My “mother” makes him go with what she believes. She said I was sick & wrong for saying that my brother did such a thing. I am hurt that she would think I would lie about rape. About that situation; she denies a lot, & it’s a struggle.

Though, I am writing my book & I am going to publish it. I am going to inspire the world around me, & the young people who think they can’t do it. I will share my story to show them that All things are possible through God.

P.S. ~ As my motto goes: Spreading Positivity Like PB & J.

Much Love To You All,

Peace. Love. Sai 🙂

My Life Story: Pt 4

My Life Story: Pt 1

​​Hi. My birth name is Sai Chandrika, which means Goddess of the Moon & the Stars. My American name is Erika. (My name was changed in America when I was adopted. Though, I am hoping to legally change it back to my birth name Sai soon enough. Sai is pronounced like sigh. Lol.)  I was adopted from Hyderabad, India when I was 18 months old. I came to America & was adopted by a Caucasian rich family. I lived in the south all my life: Florida, Plano, Texas, Georgia, Florida, & then I finally moved without my family to Michigan from 2014 to present. I had an older foster brother; he is 5 years older than me. He’s adopted from Florida.

Anyway, I don’t remember anything until I turned the age of 4 years old. I was a very active little girl. I was involved in indoor & outdoor soccer, basketball, sideline cheerleading, competition all-star cheerleading (I was nominated Top All-American Cheerleader by NCA—National Cheerleaders Association & I am a year round champion for all my all-star teams), dance (tap, jazz, ballet, hip hop, The Nutcracker Production, Dance Company, & acrobatics..), I did karate but only the white belt— my foster brother finished his karate & is a black belt in Tae Kwon Do. I love to sing, write poems, & draw, but between all of that…

I was physically abused by my “mother” from kindergarten to 4th grade. She punched me, shoved me, gave me bloody noses, threw me on the ground, stepped on me, hit me, ripped my skin off my face & left bloody scratches.

I’ll tell you about the bloody scratches: I went to school the next day & I still had bloody remains on my face & was scratched up pretty bad, but fortunately Social Services came to my school that day to talk to me & take pictures of my face. It was probably my teachers who told the authorities. Anyway, my mom had to sign a paper saying she would not hurt me physically on purpose again. She told it was my fault that they got involved though.

She denied everything, & then in third grade (2003), I was about 9 or 10 years old when my foster brother (the adopted one who is 5 years older than me) raped me continuously throughout that year. The very first time was the most disgusting memory & traumatic experience I ever had. I remember every part of the incident, & all the other times when he did it again, I remember them too. He told me if I ever told anyone, he would kill me. So, as a child of young age, I did not have the guts to speak up to anyone.

Then my parents had me going to a therapist & a psychiatrist all my life. People would call me a wild child. At a very young age, they diagnosed me with ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder). They had me on medication for the disorder to try to calm the symptoms. After that, we moved to Georgia in 2005, which was my fifth grade year in school. Years go by & high school starts.

P.S. ~ As my motto goes: Spreading Positivity Like PB & J.

Much Love To You All,

Peace. Love. Sai 🙂

My Life Story: Pt 1

Potatoes??

Can someone please tell me why girls compare themselves to potatoes? They say they look like a potato as in ugly. Haven’t they learned it’s not what’s on the outside that matters, but what’s on the inside. I mean damn. Potatoes turn into some beautiful ish! Like fries, hash browns, sweet potatoes, mashed potatoes, freaking soup, & even potatoe pancakes!! Y’all actually give yourself a compliment when you call yourself a potatoe. ~Xo, Sai

Potatoes??