Choked

B just saved me!! I was choking on popcorn!! It went down the wrong tube! Thankfully B came into the bedroom and helped me stop choking. I was so scared. I grabbed his shirt because I could barely breathe. He always makes me feel safer especially if I hold his hand or when scrunch his shirt with my hand. I don’t think I’ve ever choked that bad before. If I have, it’s been too long to remember such a feeling. 

Xo, Sai 

Choked

My Besties

“A close friend is like a rainbow, when the perfect amount of happiness and tears are mixed, the result is a colorful bridge between 2 hearts.” ~ Annoymous

My first best friend in my life was my cat I had growing up. Sometimes animals give a great connection with their owner, only some can really understand. He was my everything. I had him since 1st grade. He’s an old cat now. (He’s with my ex-foster family still.) I pray he is happy and loved. I miss him very much, probably he misses me too. Though today, I am going to talk about my 4 best friends who are humans lol.

Brannen: My #1 best friend of all time is my fiance, Brannen. I met him in 9th grade of high school. He gave me hope of better days. He was there for through the ups and downs of my life. He never gave up on me no matter how dark of the times he went through with me. He makes me feel the safest out of everyone I know. He has never hurt me and he taught me that the truth sets you free. Never lie, be blunt. That is where I get my bluntness from. A lot of people say I am blunt. B taught me never to beat around the bush, hence why I get fustrated when others do it. B saved me from suicide in 9th grade and in freshmen year of college. He was the main reason I got clean and got the helped I needed. I am forever thankful for him. I was the one who met him. I went up to him in gym class. A few different types of gyms classes all met in the big gymnasium sometimes. I went up to him and of course was hyper and excited. I said “hiii!”, and from that moment on we became closer than ever each day that passed. He said the day he met me, was the day he said to himself, “One day I will marry this girl.” Brannen is a very wise guy. He is a christian and has very good morals. He is a US Marine now. Which I adore Marines the most out of all branches of the military!! Ever since I was little, I have had so much respect for them! Ooh Rah!!! Well, I have bragged enough about B. Now onto the next one.

Lizzie: Elizabeth and I met in 5th grade of middle school when I just moved to Georgia. She and I have been close ever since!! We would always be goofy in school and sometimes get into trouble. Though, she kept me positive and happy. She a person I cherish very dear to heart. Our friendship is rare. Why I say that is because, we rarely fight. We really don’t disagree on much. She is my kind of crazy though. Just upset us enough and it’s over. When 2 best friends come together on the same problem.. you might want to apologize before we get heated. Haha. Though, on the other hand, she is a wise person as well. She has such a kind heart and a great personality. I am so thankful for her. I miss her so much. I can’t wait to reunite with her soon enough. Good thing for technology; Facetime, Facebook, Snapchat, etc.
Lauren: Lauren and I met in 6th grade of middle school. I switched schools. She became one of my first friends at the new school. We clicked right away. She is literally my partner in crime. We would always get in trouble in class. They’d purposely not put us in the same groups because once we are together you will never know what can happen. She and I have a special kind of friendship. We can go weeks, even months without talking and just pick up right where we left off!! If you have ever seen Gossip Girl; I am the Serena to her Blaire. We have fought a few times, though at the end of the day, we love each other. I can’t see living a life without her in it. She is a character; very silly. Her imagination is wild, which makes her unique. She understands me too. That’s my goofball. I love and miss her more than words can explain. I can’t wait to reunite with her as well!! We keep up with each other on Facetime, Facebook, etc. Thank goodness!!!
Trejon: Trejon and I met in freshman year of college. He and I became so close within days. He is a very wise owl. He has taught me so much, including self respect and self love. He never gave up on me. When he met me, I was right at the cusp of hitting rock bottom with the suicidal stuff. Though, he kept me afloat even when I was falling hard. Our friendship and bond  never grew grey, it has always been colorful.  He has had my back since day 1.  He showed me what a true friend is. He is like a counselor to me as well. Always gives great advice and has great meaning and positive influence behind it. I will always look up to him. He is my inspiration to do great in life!! I can’t wait for him to B and I soon!!

Friendship is built upon trust, communication, loyalty, respect, commitment, and patience. All of my best friends share that with me. I am forever grateful for them. I am truly blessed.
“Friends are kisses blown to us by Angels.” ~ Anonymous

Xo, Sai

My Besties

R.I.P. Grammy

December 15th is the 1 year death date of my grandma. She was my best friend. She was one of the smartest women in my life. She was a survivor of breast cancer. She gave me hope. I have been very angered. I never got to go the her funeral. I wasn’t invited. This is my grandmother; the mother of my foster mother that no longer associates with me. The foster family I used to have hasn’t talked to me in 3 years. They want nothing of me. Though, I still have a big place in my heart for my Grammy. She was very special to me. She always will be. She taught me how to be tough when I was bullied in school. She taught me self respect and confidence. She taught me how a young woman should act like. She was my #1 role model in my life. She was everything to me. My sunshine on a cloudy day. Literally, we’d sing you are my sunshine. She loved that song. I will never forget the good times we’d have together. She always came to visit for summer and the Christmas holidays. Her birthday was December 24th, Christmas Eve. So her death reminds me that we aren’t always promised a tomorrow and that every day we wake up to, is a blessing. I know she’s watching over me now. She is in a happier place and in the Hands of the Lord. I love her so much. Rest in Peace Grammy E. I will never forget you and all that you taught me.
XO – Sai

R.I.P. Grammy

Hey everyone! I hope everyone is having a great day! I can’t believe it is almost Thanksgiving! All the stores already have the Christmas stock out! It’s crazy! Let’s see… a lot has happen since I last posted! My man and I got a new leather couch from his granddad! It is so comfy! Our cat, Shadow just turned 2 on November 12th! I can’t believe he’s already 2!! He is such a good cat! We love him very much! Ahhh, don’t forget that Trump was elected president.. I am not happy about it. Though, that’s all I can say, because I don’t like posting my political view on the web. My best friend turned 23! I am excited for her! I wish I was there to help celebrate, though we live in different states. My 3 year anniversary with my bae is coming up soon. As well as my 3 year mark of not being suicidal. I am proud of myself!! I just have a lot to look forward to!! I even found new friends. I am always meeting new friends!! A lot people get jealous or mad about it. They ask me how I can meet so many people so quickly and they just like me like that. I said, you have to be yourself, be honest, and friendly. Usually people gravitate towards fun people. Ohhh, I left my apartment today because the maintenance are fixing all of the buildings balconies. The hammering was giving me a huge headache. So I had to do my blog entry at the library where there was peace and quiet.
Okay that’s all for today.
Peace. Love. Happiness.
Sai (:

It’s hard right now…

I am having the hardest time right now. I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder in 2013. Every day is literally a struggle. I am manic & depressive. Right now I am very depressed. I’ve been having bad panic attacks. It’s tiring to the body. I feel alone in this world sometimes. I just want people to understand me. Mental disorders are something you don’t take lightly. I am really struggling with some inner problems right now. I wish things were easy, though it just isn’t… And on top of that, one of my brother’s is in the hospital. So I just feel so down. It is just a gloomy week.

Peace. Love. Happiness.

Sai (:

It’s hard right now…

Why Give Up?

Why do people decide to give up? Is it because people put them down? Is it because they don’t believe in themselves? Is it because the dream or goal they have is too unrealistic for them to even think it is possible to achieve? There are so many reasons why a person should feel such urges to give up. Though, I am going to tell you why you shouldn’t give up.
You have a whole life ahead of you. Opportunities pour into your life, doors are left wide open to go through, people are waiting for a person like you to greet them because they have a job that’s been awaiting you a long time. You will miss out on each and every opportunity that is thrown at you, if you don’t open your eyes and see what the world has to offer. Don’t wait, don’t procrastinate, don’t shut the door. First try. If you don’t try it out, you will never know if it was something great. My fiance always told me: “Try it out. It is okay if you don’t like it after a few tries. Though, always try to see, so next time that kind of opportunity comes you’ll know you’re either fit or not fit for it.”
Just never give up on your goals, dreams, and aspirations in life. It could take years to achieve, though it is worth the fight, sweat, and tears. Success is not something that is just given to you. You have to earn it.
Don’t give up. Have Faith, Determination, Motivation, and  Positive Thinking. You’ll be successful. Just be patient.

Peace. Love. Happiness.
Sai (:

Why Give Up?

I am stronger.

​1 month & 16 days until I reach 3 years of not being suicidal. I was suicidal for 5 years. I am so blessed to have chosen life after fighting that tough battle of negative thoughts. I hope I never have to feel so depressed to think such thoughts again. If anyone ever needs advice, I’m here for you. I don’t want anyone ever feeling that feeling. It’s a dark place that some people truly don’t understand. Though, I do understand because I’ve personally been through it, amongst many other traumatic experiences. I love you all! Thanks for everyone’s support & time. I am starting to open up more on my blog to help my readers & followers understand me better.

Peace. Love. Happiness.

Sai (:

I am stronger.