Drowning

I stood there while the hot steamy water rapidly beat down on my bare figure. I could feel my heartbeat speeding up. My eye sockets started filling with salty tears. My body became heavy as I dropped to the hard surface of the tub. I am just about breathless. At this point, the water is almost drowning me. I felt like I was in the middle of a rain storm. The water is washing away my worries and being poured down the drain. The bathroom was foggy like the clouds in the sky.

I am still here staying strong, Sai

 

 

Drowning

R.I.P. Rico

I lost a very close friend of mine the other day. He died of an unexpected heart attack. I am so exhausted from crying and being so depressed over it. He is one of the positive influences in my life. He gave me hope and shaped me in ways unexplainable. He gave me light of better days. He wiped my tears when crying. He kept me afloat when things got hard. He was a teacher, a friend, a life coach, an inspiration for many. Now he is gone. Everyone is devastated, especially each person who’s lives he touched. I don’t understand death. I do understand when our time comes, it comes. Once we do our deeds on this Earth, God brings us home. Home as in Heaven. His time on this earth was done. He did all his good deeds or whatever God sent him on this earth to do. 

I can’t even type anymore without crying again. I’m sorry. 

I love you Rico. Rest In Peace my amazing friend. I know you’re watching over me. 

Love, Sai ❤️

R.I.P. Rico

I miss you

Have you ever missed someone, without even meeting them? I do. I miss my mother, even though I have never met her. I have been depressed lately. I am not sure if it was triggered by the fact that mother’s day is indeed tomorrow.

Last night, B and I bought his mom mother’s gifts. As I was grabbing some items, my friend asked me what I was getting my mother, since she saw me buying things for B’s mom. My friend wasn’t aware of my situation yet. She though I could ship the gifts to India. She had no clue I haven’t my mother.

Is it weird for me to say I love my mother? I think the world of her. I dream of her and the beauty she holds. I pray one day, I meet her. I feel a spark in my heart that one day I could be standing side by side with my mother. I could somehow stumble upon her. The world is so small. Fate has a way. God has a plan.

I am sad. An orphan I was born. An orphan I became again. Though, I have a mother. I have a father. I will dream until my wish comes true. That is my biggest wish of all. That is my dream. Most people dream and wish to be married or to have a fairy tale life. Others wish to have a roof over their head and food on the table. I wish to meet my mother. We all have wishes and dreams.

What is yours?

Xo, Sai

 

I miss you

Weeping like the tree

There is a time

That we need to choose

To find our way to follow through

Every time a door shuts in your face….

It bring such a disgrace

Deep down inside your heart

That you want to part

From being alive

In this damaging world

Of hate and mystery of being

Please God, give me a sign

So it does not look like I’m blind

In my faith in which I walk

In the way I must talk

I am depressed

Tears running down my face

Keeping the crinkles in this page wet.

Weeping like the tree

….

 

Xo, Sai

(I remain hopeful of better days. I will be 3 years clean of suicidal thoughts and actions in November. I hope to remain strong and keep my mind clear of these sad, depressing, negative thoughts. I usually write poems to express my inner sadness rather than hurting myself or making negative actions and situations. Writing is a very expressive way to get things out and to feel better. I suggest other do it too. It has helped me tremendously.)

 

Weeping like the tree