Update for Fall

Hey everyone. I have been M.I.A. again due to working at my new job and then because of me being in my depressive stage lately… almost a full month now. I wanted to share about how I’ve been doing. I have working at my new job for over 5 months now. That is an accomplishment for me. I never have been able to hold a job for more than 4 months. So this is exciting for me and I am very proud of myself. I have bipolar type 2 severe with psychosis. Having a work life can be difficult for me and many others with BD. Especially during the depression stages. For me, I have no energy, I cry a lot, I am exhausted, I don’t want to get out of bed, I don’t want to talk to people or hang with friends. Literally, I have almost 200 unread messages from my friends. I am so grateful to have such a loving and caring man by my side who uplifts me and prays with me and makes sure I don’t sink into an even deeper level of depression, Because of him, I got to my midday work shifts on time. Because of him I got out bed and tried to become motivated even though I just wanted to sleep all day. Because of him I have felt comforted and he’s done everything to try to make me smile; whether it be him holding me, hugging me, kissing me, buying me food, etc. He has kept me together while in such a state of depression. It has been a while since I have had a long depression. So it has been quite exhausting for me. I have been proud of myself for pushing so hard and getting through it. Working and depression are quite drowning. Everyone knows I am a very outgoing person. Even my customers have been worried about me. One of them gave me a Rosary made of real silver, others gave me hugs, and a few have bought me food. They are so kind. Everyone who has truly helped me and extended their love and care. From B, to my friends, to my customers, and even my manager and employees. Everyone is so great. I love them all and am very grateful for them. Anyway, I just wanted to update you all on my progress and how I am doing.

Love Always, Sai

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Update for Fall

R.I.P. Rico

I lost a very close friend of mine the other day. He died of an unexpected heart attack. I am so exhausted from crying and being so depressed over it. He is one of the positive influences in my life. He gave me hope and shaped me in ways unexplainable. He gave me light of better days. He wiped my tears when crying. He kept me afloat when things got hard. He was a teacher, a friend, a life coach, an inspiration for many. Now he is gone. Everyone is devastated, especially each person who’s lives he touched. I don’t understand death. I do understand when our time comes, it comes. Once we do our deeds on this Earth, God brings us home. Home as in Heaven. His time on this earth was done. He did all his good deeds or whatever God sent him on this earth to do. 

I can’t even type anymore without crying again. I’m sorry. 

I love you Rico. Rest In Peace my amazing friend. I know you’re watching over me. 

Love, Sai ❤️

R.I.P. Rico

She was my bully. 

When a kid is abused. They are either physically, mentally, emotionally, & or sexually. They are scarred, bruised, ashamed & exhausted.  They are broken inside with a mind full of fear. They don’t know who’s going to hurt them next. Whether it be a broken heart or bullies beating them up. Love isn’t a word fathomable for an abuse victims ears. 

I would know. I was abused as a kid. My foster mom was horrible to me. If I bad mouthed to her; she’d make me swallow liquid soap. My throat would be stinging for days. She would give me bloody noses and blame me for why my nose was bleeding. She beat me continuously. She sewed into my skin while trying to fix my tutu for dance. I screamed for her to stop as I was crying and bleeding. Yet she kept going. Maybe like 3 stitches till she stopped. I cried in pain as blood was dripping down my belly. She was scary to me. I was so scared of her. She was my biggest bully. That’s the saddest part. It wasn’t even kids at school who I could say bullied me. No, my bully was my own foster mother.

She was my bully. 

She is not my bully now. She’ll never be able to have that control over me again. I will never let her put me through pain. She’s not in my life anymore. She cut me off in 2013. I would never go back to that negativity. I am strong. I am an abuse victim survivor. 

Deep in thought,

Sai 💜

She was my bully. 

Don’t let fear hold you back

The foster mom I had growing up treated me horribly. She put it in my head, I’d never change. I could never make a change for myself. She always put me down. She talked down on me. I once took toys to school in my book bag, (I was in 1st or 2nd grade) and she beat the crap out of me because I took toys to school. She abused me for many things, little or big. My foster dad at the time, was never there when she did it, since he was always at work. I feel in my heart, her beating me and abusing me constantly, did not make me want to find strength within me to change for the better. I was constantly living in fear. Living in fear because I was scared if I do one littlest thing wrong, I would get hit for it. I never had hope. I always thought I did everything wrong.

Now that I am an adult, and they abandoned me. Well, I feel less scared; like I am not walking on eggshells. I feel free of the cage I was in. I live with my boyfriend, Brannen. We’ve been together 4 years and best friends for 7 years. Even that I’ve lived with him for 3 years, I still have a tendencies of thinking he’ll treat me like my ex foster family treated me. Not abusive lol. More so like he’ll be mad if I ate all my goldfish crackers, or broke a xbox controller. Those kinds of things. Though, he doesn’t get mad. He never lays a hand on me, or yells at me over the little things. He understands things get broken, or I get hungry. Lol. He is such a great guy. He makes me feel safe. I haven’t been able to be myself. He gave me confidence. He took away my shield of fear. He gave me secureness to feel confident to be myself.

Brannen is the best thing that has ever happened to me. God truly blessed me. I found happiness and a path to better things when I met Brannen. I feel God wanted B and I to meet. He knows B is a great guy with a good heart. He would show me true love and a good friendship. I am forever grateful for B and that God is good.

When times are tough, you can’t give up. I learned that most people give up right before it may be getting better. They never wait that last second or minute. Many people know I was suicidal. They told me that many people who have been in my type of situation, would not have made it this far. So, why me? I don’t understand sometimes how I became this strong. I feel so blessed, yet overwhelmed. I hope to help many people and show them proof that it is possible to never give up! I know God has me. He is always good, and his timing is everything. Whether you want to believe it or not. Miracles are always in the works. Have Faith.

Xo, Sai (:

Don’t let fear hold you back

My Besties

"A close friend is like a rainbow, when the perfect amount of happiness and tears are mixed, the result is a colorful bridge between 2 hearts." ~ Annoymous

My first best friend in my life was my cat I had growing up. Sometimes animals give a great connection with their owner, only some can really understand. He was my everything. I had him since 1st grade. He's an old cat now. (He's with my ex-foster family still.) I pray he is happy and loved. I miss him very much, probably he misses me too. Though today, I am going to talk about my 4 best friends who are humans lol.

Brannen: My #1 best friend of all time is my fiance, Brannen. I met him in 9th grade of high school. He gave me hope of better days. He was there for through the ups and downs of my life. He never gave up on me no matter how dark of the times he went through with me. He makes me feel the safest out of everyone I know. He has never hurt me and he taught me that the truth sets you free. Never lie, be blunt. That is where I get my bluntness from. A lot of people say I am blunt. B taught me never to beat around the bush, hence why I get fustrated when others do it. B saved me from suicide in 9th grade and in freshmen year of college. He was the main reason I got clean and got the helped I needed. I am forever thankful for him. I was the one who met him. I went up to him in gym class. A few different types of gyms classes all met in the big gymnasium sometimes. I went up to him and of course was hyper and excited. I said "hiii!", and from that moment on we became closer than ever each day that passed. He said the day he met me, was the day he said to himself, "One day I will marry this girl." Brannen is a very wise guy. He is a christian and has very good morals. He is a US Marine now. Which I adore Marines the most out of all branches of the military!! Ever since I was little, I have had so much respect for them! Ooh Rah!!! Well, I have bragged enough about B. Now onto the next one.

Lizzie: Elizabeth and I met in 5th grade of middle school when I just moved to Georgia. She and I have been close ever since!! We would always be goofy in school and sometimes get into trouble. Though, she kept me positive and happy. She a person I cherish very dear to heart. Our friendship is rare. Why I say that is because, we rarely fight. We really don't disagree on much. She is my kind of crazy though. Just upset us enough and it's over. When 2 best friends come together on the same problem.. you might want to apologize before we get heated. Haha. Though, on the other hand, she is a wise person as well. She has such a kind heart and a great personality. I am so thankful for her. I miss her so much. I can't wait to reunite with her soon enough. Good thing for technology; Facetime, Facebook, Snapchat, etc.
Trejon: Trejon and I met in freshman year of college. He and I became so close within days. He is a very wise owl. He has taught me so much, including self respect and self love. He never gave up on me. When he met me, I was right at the cusp of hitting rock bottom with the suicidal stuff. Though, he kept me afloat even when I was falling hard. Our friendship and bond  never grew grey, it has always been colorful.  He has had my back since day 1.  He showed me what a true friend is. He is like a counselor to me as well. Always gives great advice and has great meaning and positive influence behind it. I will always look up to him. He is my inspiration to do great in life!! I can't wait for him to B and I soon!!

Friendship is built upon trust, communication, loyalty, respect, commitment, and patience. All of my best friends share that with me. I am forever grateful for them. I am truly blessed.
"Friends are kisses blown to us by Angels." ~ Anonymous

Xo, Sai

My Besties

My Life Story: Pt 5

Recent updates to my life story are these (2017):

My foster mom won’t let my foster dad talk to me or it will cost him their marriage. The foster brother who raped me is becoming a transgender. My foster family has not talked to me or associated with me since May 2014.

On top of all of that. I was raped recently last year by a sick man. He strangled me; I had bruises on my neck, with other details I do not want to speak of. I have been very traumatically triggered by it. (I did tell me foster dad, thinking he’d respond… though he did not do anything or talk to me about it. That was the last straw & knowing that they don’t care about me or love me anymore.) It has definitely been hard for B and I. Though, B has been so great with me. He has gotten me the help I need to heal from such a traumatic situation.

I have a new family. My brother Samps & my sister Rai. I have a new mother figure in my life too. Her name is Amy or as I call her my mama. She helped B & I through a lot and has blessed us with new stuff for our apartment. She is an angel to our family.

Also, I am praying God will open the door to hopefully finding my birth mom one day. I know think of her as a beautiful woman. I am here because she gave birth to me. Yes, she gave me up, though she did it for a good purpose. I have a lot more freedom here in the USA than I would in India. I know she didn’t have the money at the time to support me. I know she loved me enough to give me up. She had enough Faith in God, that I would be okay, & stay strong & safe under God’s protection. I am still here & staying strong for myself, God, & for my birth mom. If I am a beautiful person with a good heart; then I am pretty sure I got it from my birth mom.

Thank you for reading my story. I have already inspired many people. I hope to inspire you all too!! These are all true points in my life. I continue to share it with others who struggle, especially the adolescents. A lot of people tell me, many would not have made it to where I am in life. They tell me, a lot would give up or kill themselves. I am so thankful God gave me a chance to choose life & continue on my walk with the Lord.

I am so grateful for all who stuck by me through the darkest of times to the brightest of times. I am so thankful for my best friends, Lizzie, Trejon, & Lauren. Of course I am very thankful for Brannen. He is such a gentleman to me & takes care of me each & every day. His love for me has never lessened. He is my best friend & soul mate. I love him so much! I am thankful for my brother Samps, & my sisters Rai & Chiyan. They are my high spirits & reminders that I can get through this. Just take it day by day. I love my cat Shadow. He is such a goof ball & he gives me a reason to smile even when I do not want to. He cuddles with me & gives me kitty kisses with his wet nose. He can be annoying at times, though he is definitely a good cat. I thank my closest friends for also being there for me. They never judged me, yet cared even more about me than I could even imagine they would. I am thankful God is with me always & keeps good people around me to lift me up when I fall down.

I love you all so much. I appreciate the love, care, & support from all my fans on my blog, Instagram, Snapchat, Twitter, & Facebook. You all give me hope & a reason to keep pushing & getting up each day. Everything will be alright in the end. I want to write a book on my life story. I already have a title for it. I guess I will be patient & see how successful I can become & inspire more & more each day.

P.S. ~ As my motto goes: Spreading Positivity Like PB & J.

Much Love To You All,

Peace. Love. Sai 🙂

My Life Story: Pt 5