My Life Story: Pt 4

​So my foster parents & I haven’t talked since May 2014. Almost a year. They won’t respond to any calls, texts, emails, or letters. Though they each Christmas & birthday they sent me a birthday card; saying they think about me everyday & love me unconditionally… but sit there & tell everyone they have no clue where I am. They don’t respond to me.They said I could come live with Brannen. My foster mother specifically said she thought it would be a good idea. I have been through trauma & life lessons. Though, I kept my faith strong. I grew close to God.

Now I am just dealing with my mental disorder, & trying to let go of my past (I did recently send my “mother” a letter saying that I forgave her), & I am trying to get over this sickness I have had August 2014 (been vomiting every day & everything; had a medical procedure done— they didn’t find anything wrong in my stomach, & I have lost over 20 pounds in the last 6 months. I have been in the hospital a lot & became very weak. I prayed everyday that God heals me & a miracle will happen & I could stop throwing up. I haven’t thrown up as much since Christmas 2015, & just strengthening my Faith & knowing God has a plan for each one of us here on this Earth.

He is using me to help others who have been through what I have been through. I am here to help people stay strong & not give up, and to tell them there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I celebrate 4 years with Brannen November of 2017. On November 28,2017 I will be three years not suicidal. I’ve become so strong.

Also, I forgot to mention that yes, I told my parents 9 years later (2009- freshman year in high school) about my brother raping me. My “mother” did not believe me even as I told her the evidence. My “father” on the other hand, I can’t really tell what he thinks. My “mother” makes him go with what she believes. She said I was sick & wrong for saying that my brother did such a thing. I am hurt that she would think I would lie about rape. About that situation; she denies a lot, & it’s a struggle.

Though, I am writing my book & I am going to publish it. I am going to inspire the world around me, & the young people who think they can’t do it. I will share my story to show them that All things are possible through God.

P.S. ~ As my motto goes: Spreading Positivity Like PB & J.

Much Love To You All,

Peace. Love. Sai 🙂

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My Life Story: Pt 4

My Life Story: Pt 3

​Throughout all of that, I was still suicidal. I did the suicidal talk among harming myself a few times throughout 5 years. They said you keep saying you want to commit suicide, and since you didn’t go through with it we have to kick you off living on campus. So, my foster parents gave me 2 choices. Either I go fend for myself, they would give me all my money I earned from my jobs, & they would give me all my stuff & I would go live on my own. Or I could go to a treatment center for 30 days to get better & mentally stable. Then I could come home, though there would be rules but I could live with them.

So, Brannen came down to visit me. He just got out of boot camp not long before. He is a U.S. Marine. Ooh Rah!!! I am so proud of him! I can say my best friend is a Marine!! The few, the proud!!

So B came to visit me on my thanksgiving break. He asked me to marry him, & I said “yes”. Though, we are waiting to get married. We want to be financially stable & have everything else taken care of; like the important stuff us young adults want to do before getting married, having kids, etc. He & I love each other so much. He has sacrificed so much for me. While he was visiting me, he convinced me to go to the treatment center. I decided I want to be stable before moving in with him. I think it was a fair decision, not being selfish.

I did it for him because I wanted to be healthy for our relationship & be stable when I moved up to Michigan to live with him. So I went to the treatment center for 5 weeks & 3 days. I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder Type 1 Severe: mood swings, panic attacks, and impulsiveness. When my “mother” found out, she did not want me home. The doctors said that they believe this disorder came about because all these years I have been on medication that I wasn’t supposed to be on because I never had ADHD. The doctors in the past diagnosed me wrong all these years.

So my “mother” didn’t want me to come home. She is very controlling, & my “father” goes along with it. So he agreed. My “father” got me when I was dismissed from the treatment center, & he took me to a group home in the hood of St. Pete, Florida. It was like 15 minutes from where they lived, but they never came to see me. Get this: they sent my belongings to me through UPS. Why couldn’t they have brought my items to me? Then, I couldn’t stay at the group home; one because I found out my parents didn’t even pay for me to stay there… and they are well off.

So I was hurt that they were not paying for me to stay at the group home. So I was there on a free house grant. Two, because it was in the hood. I was not acclimated to such a living situation. There was a gang outside the group home that already raped a local girl & paralyzed her from the waist down. They gang raped her & stuck a knife up her vagina & cut a nerve. They paralyzed her, & they cut the side of her face too, so she was hospitalized for a while. There were fights every day in the group home. Police were always getting called.

So I left.. I went to live with my friend who I though was stable. She had an alcohol addiction. We met at the treatment center. She was my roomate. She got dismissed before me, so I had it in my mind that she was still stable. She was living with a drug dealer. I had no clue. I had to get out of there as fast as I could. God was definitely watching over me. I was in a very unsafe environment. I left one bad place to live in another negative environment. Brannen wasn’t happy with the unsafe environment I was in. So he got me a ticket & I moved in with him in his apartment he just moved into. I moved in like a few days after he got his apartment. I have been in Michigan since February 2014. A very big culture & weather shock, but it’s okay. Between all the settling in my new home; My “mother” won’t let my “father” talked to me or it will cost their marriage. The rest of the foster family does not agree with my “mother”, but they can’t say anything. Brannen’s parents tried telling my foster parents they are wrong, but they aren’t listening. My “mother” keeps lying to people & making me the bad guy, but everyone knows what really happened.

P.S. ~ As my motto goes: Spreading Positivity Like PB & J.

Much Love To You All,

Peace. Love. Sai 🙂

My Life Story: Pt 3

My Life Story: Pt 2

​That’s where I met the love of my life, Brannen. He saved me from committing suicide at school. He saved my life. Brannen & I became so close in that one year, but I had gotten into a lot of trouble. I almost went to jail because I stole 5 iPods at my school from students I disliked & jail broke them, but the cop let me stay so I was in out-of-school suspension for 5 days. I also got into other trouble with teachers & stupid stuff that made me get in-school suspension a lot. Throughout all of that, I was very suicidal & depressed. On a good note, I was an A student. I would do my friends papers and homework sometimes too. I am very book smart, not street smart.

I never cut myself, but I wanted to die. I ended up saying “I wanted to shoot myself” in front of the school principle, cop, assistant principle, therapist, & “mother” one day when I was getting in-school suspension for cyber bullying a girl on Facebook when I did not understand since I was letting her know that she might get beat up by someone soon, but I wasn’t part of it. I was just warning her, & they said that was cyber bullying. Since, I threatened myself; they had me bacaracted. I was sent to a lock down rehabilitation center.

It sucked, I was there for 7 days. Brannen was glad to see me when I got out & came back to school, but he didn’t know that I was going to be moving. I didn’t even know. I didn’t even get to say goodbye to him for the summer. I moved in July 2010 to Florida with my family, & the next year at school- Brannen looked all over for me. He did not have a good year. He was not happy there because I was not there. He told me he would find me if I ever left Georgia. He promised he would; which he is a man of his word & promises. I had his email & number. So we stayed in touch & reconnected almost 2 years later in 2011.

I was still suicidal. I wanted to kill myself so bad, but I knew it would not help & I would let down everyone who ever backed me up & ever pushed me to stay strong. I would let down my Lord, and my bestest friend- Brannen (I also call him B). I just tried to push through. Then on November 1, 2010, I tore my ACL in my left knee at my competition cheerleading practice when I was doing a tumbling pass & landed wrong. It ended my all-star career & I still haven’t fully recovered. It sucks, but it made me even more depressed. I did graduated from high school in 2013 & then I went to college at Saint Leo University.

Since my parents never gave me freedom like how it is in college, I screwed up. I ended up losing my virginity on the 3rd day of attending college. I regret everything about that. I said I would never have sex before marriage, but I ended up having sex everyday & it didn’t do me any good. The boyfriend I had at the time used me. He ended up telling me I was his fuck buddy, so the sex didn’t mean anything. I believe that I gave myself to these guys because I was raped at a young age, I never knew what sex really was or what the meaning of it was. Like the importance of it and the meaning behind it. Like the connection you’re supposed to have. Fucking wasn’t giving me it. I believe I just wanted to be loved, but I was trying to be loved in the wrong way. I broke up with him soon after that.

P.S. ~ As my motto goes: Spreading Positivity Like PB & J.

Much Love To You All,

Peace. Love. Sai 🙂

My Life Story: Pt 2

My Life Story: Pt 1

​​Hi. My birth name is Sai Chandrika, which means Goddess of the Moon & the Stars. My American name is Erika. (My name was changed in America when I was adopted. Though, I am hoping to legally change it back to my birth name Sai soon enough. Sai is pronounced like sigh. Lol.)  I was adopted from Hyderabad, India when I was 18 months old. I came to America & was adopted by a Caucasian rich family. I lived in the south all my life: Florida, Plano, Texas, Georgia, Florida, & then I finally moved without my family to Michigan from 2014 to present. I had an older foster brother; he is 5 years older than me. He’s adopted from Florida.

Anyway, I don’t remember anything until I turned the age of 4 years old. I was a very active little girl. I was involved in indoor & outdoor soccer, basketball, sideline cheerleading, competition all-star cheerleading (I was nominated Top All-American Cheerleader by NCA—National Cheerleaders Association & I am a year round champion for all my all-star teams), dance (tap, jazz, ballet, hip hop, The Nutcracker Production, Dance Company, & acrobatics..), I did karate but only the white belt— my foster brother finished his karate & is a black belt in Tae Kwon Do. I love to sing, write poems, & draw, but between all of that…

I was physically abused by my “mother” from kindergarten to 4th grade. She punched me, shoved me, gave me bloody noses, threw me on the ground, stepped on me, hit me, ripped my skin off my face & left bloody scratches.

I’ll tell you about the bloody scratches: I went to school the next day & I still had bloody remains on my face & was scratched up pretty bad, but fortunately Social Services came to my school that day to talk to me & take pictures of my face. It was probably my teachers who told the authorities. Anyway, my mom had to sign a paper saying she would not hurt me physically on purpose again. She told it was my fault that they got involved though.

She denied everything, & then in third grade (2003), I was about 9 or 10 years old when my foster brother (the adopted one who is 5 years older than me) raped me continuously throughout that year. The very first time was the most disgusting memory & traumatic experience I ever had. I remember every part of the incident, & all the other times when he did it again, I remember them too. He told me if I ever told anyone, he would kill me. So, as a child of young age, I did not have the guts to speak up to anyone.

Then my parents had me going to a therapist & a psychiatrist all my life. People would call me a wild child. At a very young age, they diagnosed me with ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder). They had me on medication for the disorder to try to calm the symptoms. After that, we moved to Georgia in 2005, which was my fifth grade year in school. Years go by & high school starts.

P.S. ~ As my motto goes: Spreading Positivity Like PB & J.

Much Love To You All,

Peace. Love. Sai 🙂

My Life Story: Pt 1

Behind the Mask…

Whenever I tell my friends or people I work with, my struggle, they look at me with a surprised expression because they tell me they would never have guessed that I struggle with depression. I wear this “mask” that gives a vibe that everything is okay and I am happy. But in reality I am not. People have a tendency to wear these types of “masks”. Where they act a certain way with their friends, and then act a different way with their family, and then act another way at work. Though, when they are by themselves, they act fully themselves as if no one is watching. It is quite common for us humans to do this. But when it becomes a habit and you can recognize it, it may then soon become a problem. That is only because people are here to help you and care for you. But if they do not know what you are really going through and what you are really feeling; they can not help you. Just a thought for today.

Peace. Love. Happiness.
Sai (:

Behind the Mask…

Pain is Temporary

Hey everyone! Today I want to talk about pain. Pain within us everyday, pain you see in someone’s eyes, pain on the news, pain around the world, pain in general.
Pain is temporary. Some don’t believe such a thing. Though, think about it. This life we live is temporary. So why dwell on the pain that runs through our veins everyday? Is it because it is more addicting to look into the negatives in our lives, rather than the positives? Is it because one is more easier than the other? Sometimes doing the harder thing is the right decision. Not everything in life comes easy.
Unfortunately, the world is a chaotic place that we live in.  Things do happen out of our control. People get shot, mocked, beaten, abused, all for being a certain race, religion, beliefs, sexual orientation, among many other reasons. It is such a saddening thing. We are all supposed to love one another, yet we are to get each other. It breaks my heart truly, no one deserves to be treated such a way. I love everyone for who they are. I don’t judge. If you’ve personally been judged; then you should know how it feels. It takes you to a dark place, even to the point of question your own life. I don’t understand why people would rather react with violence in a situation where they feel uneasy, unsafe, or accused of such terrible acts. People don’t know how to create peace, so they react in violence is the only reason I can think of. Hopefully one day, we will all come together and make peace with one another. I really hope for good things like world peace.
Pain in general. Pain in general is found in each and every one of us. People don’t realize that everyone around us has dealt with pain to a certain level. Some hide it behind their smiles, some hide it behind the door to their household, some hide it behind the music they listen to, and even some hide it under their sleeves of their t-shirts or jackets. Just remember that you probably see pain in someone everyday, though you haven’t noticed. Just because it isn’t on the surface, doesn’t mean it isn’t there. Look deeper than the surface. Just a reminder.

Peace. Love. Happiness.
Sai (:

Pain is Temporary