Then and Now

The ways I have grown in the past 5 years are:

5 years ago was 2013. The year everything changed. I went from being a young adult with so said ADHD to a young adult with Bipolar Type 1 Severe with Psychosis. A young adult who had to take medication for a mental disorder to now being stable without medication. A young adult who wasn’t close with God, who now prays almost everyday and preaches about how God showed her the way to a better life. A person who had a “family” for 17 years to a person who’s “family” abandoned her within a day. A woman who used to fear many things, who is now more courageous than she ever was. A person who decided to let everything around her be in the way of her main focus and goals, to now being a person with a stable job and steady income. An individual who was suicidal and now is 4 years clean of such tendencies and thoughts. A person who used to cry over the tiniest bullshit to finally becoming a more mature and stronger person who had overcome some difficult situations and challenges. A person who didn’t feel confident in her own skin to now being an inspiration to many who aren’t confident. A person who used to care what others thought of her to now being herself and not letting anyone bring her down. A young woman who had a passion to help others but didn’t know how to. To now being this inspiring individual to so many people. I have grown a lot since then and now each day is a new day for new opportunities and life experiences. 

Peace. Love. Sai 🙂

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Then and Now

Update for Fall

Hey everyone. I have been M.I.A. again due to working at my new job and then because of me being in my depressive stage lately… almost a full month now. I wanted to share about how I’ve been doing. I have working at my new job for over 5 months now. That is an accomplishment for me. I never have been able to hold a job for more than 4 months. So this is exciting for me and I am very proud of myself. I have bipolar type 2 severe with psychosis. Having a work life can be difficult for me and many others with BD. Especially during the depression stages. For me, I have no energy, I cry a lot, I am exhausted, I don’t want to get out of bed, I don’t want to talk to people or hang with friends. Literally, I have almost 200 unread messages from my friends. I am so grateful to have such a loving and caring man by my side who uplifts me and prays with me and makes sure I don’t sink into an even deeper level of depression, Because of him, I got to my midday work shifts on time. Because of him I got out bed and tried to become motivated even though I just wanted to sleep all day. Because of him I have felt comforted and he’s done everything to try to make me smile; whether it be him holding me, hugging me, kissing me, buying me food, etc. He has kept me together while in such a state of depression. It has been a while since I have had a long depression. So it has been quite exhausting for me. I have been proud of myself for pushing so hard and getting through it. Working and depression are quite drowning. Everyone knows I am a very outgoing person. Even my customers have been worried about me. One of them gave me a Rosary made of real silver, others gave me hugs, and a few have bought me food. They are so kind. Everyone who has truly helped me and extended their love and care. From B, to my friends, to my customers, and even my manager and employees. Everyone is so great. I love them all and am very grateful for them. Anyway, I just wanted to update you all on my progress and how I am doing.

Love Always, Sai

Update for Fall

It all started when …

Reflecting back on my life. There's a lot of good memories. One memory that makes me smile every time I think about it, is when I met the love of my life 7 years ago.

It all started when …

I actually got to get some rest, because I've got a 40.25 hour work week ahead. I'm already tired. So, I will pick up where I left off sooner than later!

Xo, Sai

It all started when …

Drowning

I stood there while the hot steamy water rapidly beat down on my bare figure. I could feel my heartbeat speeding up. My eye sockets started filling with salty tears. My body became heavy as I dropped to the hard surface of the tub. I am just about breathless. At this point, the water is almost drowning me. I felt like I was in the middle of a rain storm. The water is washing away my worries and being poured down the drain. The bathroom was foggy like the clouds in the sky.

I am still here staying strong, Sai

 

 

Drowning

Not sure why

Not sure why people judge when they don’t even check themselves first.

Not sure why people blame others for their unsuccessful lives. 

Not sure why people think violence is the way to make the world peaceful. 

Not sure why people can’t understand mental illness. 

Not sure why people make memes out of everything. 

Not sure why people can’t accept the truth. 

Not sure why sex is more important to teenagers than good grades and pleasing their parents. 

Not sure why equality isn’t an option because everyone still sees skin color as a major difference. 

Not sure why we can’t all just be mature. 

Not sure why I can’t fathom all of this. 

Not sure why I am unsure. 
Pondering at 3:19 am.

Sai 

Not sure why

I miss you

Have you ever missed someone, without even meeting them? I do. I miss my mother, even though I have never met her. I have been depressed lately. I am not sure if it was triggered by the fact that mother’s day is indeed tomorrow.

Last night, B and I bought his mom mother’s gifts. As I was grabbing some items, my friend asked me what I was getting my mother, since she saw me buying things for B’s mom. My friend wasn’t aware of my situation yet. She though I could ship the gifts to India. She had no clue I haven’t my mother.

Is it weird for me to say I love my mother? I think the world of her. I dream of her and the beauty she holds. I pray one day, I meet her. I feel a spark in my heart that one day I could be standing side by side with my mother. I could somehow stumble upon her. The world is so small. Fate has a way. God has a plan.

I am sad. An orphan I was born. An orphan I became again. Though, I have a mother. I have a father. I will dream until my wish comes true. That is my biggest wish of all. That is my dream. Most people dream and wish to be married or to have a fairy tale life. Others wish to have a roof over their head and food on the table. I wish to meet my mother. We all have wishes and dreams.

What is yours?

Xo, Sai

 

I miss you