I miss you

Have you ever missed someone, without even meeting them? I do. I miss my mother, even though I have never met her. I have been depressed lately. I am not sure if it was triggered by the fact that mother’s day is indeed tomorrow.

Last night, B and I bought his mom mother’s gifts. As I was grabbing some items, my friend asked me what I was getting my mother, since she saw me buying things for B’s mom. My friend wasn’t aware of my situation yet. She though I could ship the gifts to India. She had no clue I haven’t my mother.

Is it weird for me to say I love my mother? I think the world of her. I dream of her and the beauty she holds. I pray one day, I meet her. I feel a spark in my heart that one day I could be standing side by side with my mother. I could somehow stumble upon her. The world is so small. Fate has a way. God has a plan.

I am sad. An orphan I was born. An orphan I became again. Though, I have a mother. I have a father. I will dream until my wish comes true. That is my biggest wish of all. That is my dream. Most people dream and wish to be married or to have a fairy tale life. Others wish to have a roof over their head and food on the table. I wish to meet my mother. We all have wishes and dreams.

What is yours?

Xo, Sai

 

I miss you

Try a different type

Many people ask me how I found such a great guy. Well B and I’s relationship started all the way back in high school. We actually started as friends, then had a  brother and sister relationship, then we became best friends, then lovers. It is kind of cute.

Many of my friends get in bad relationships. These are the types of guys they somehow date: Fuck boys, controlling guys, abusive guys, guys that use you for one thing whether it be sex or just to say they have a girlfriend but don’t really want to pursue a deep and long lasting relationship with you, or guys who are possessive of their girl.

The thing is everyone one of these girls have gone for the “hottest”, good looking, best body, cute type of guy. I have said since day one. Looks don’t mean shit. You’ve got to understand that. I would rather have a guy who isn’t the hottest, yet treats me like a queen. People sometimes ask how I got with Brannen or they say Brannen is one lucky guy to have me by his side. (As in I’m the gorgeous one and I could of done better with a guy’s looks.) Excuse me while I count my blessings. Brannen is a very handsome man. He is a Marine on top of that. That is effing sexy and really awesome! He has great morals and respects me. He isn’t possessive over me and never has been controlling. He doesn’t treat me like an object either. He is loyal and wants to marry me one day. I would rather have him, than any guy I ever laid eyes on before I got with Brannen. If I look back on all the guys I had crushes on or dated. None compare to Brannen. They are an “F” and Brannen is an “A+++++”.  Oh and one more thing. His mother raised him right! I am grateful for that!

These girls only want good looking guys. Not every good looking guy is respectful. Some of them are very rude and only want sex. I think sometimes you should try a different type. To be honest. I dated a lot of fuck boy kind of guys. They treated me like crap!

I am so blessed I met  Brannen. Actually, B was a skinny guy when I first met him. He looked like a complete nerd on top of that. Now he is muscular and cute as eff! I wouldn’t trade him for the world. His characteristics are what many girls want in a guy. I am blessed and I thank God every day for this man. Brannen is the best thing that has ever happened. He is the love of my life. I wouldn’t want it any other way!

Peace. Love. Sai (:

Try a different type

… It has no power over you.

What kind of mother stops talking to her daughter? What kind of father ignores the fact his daughter was raped a year ago? What kind of family abandons their child after being diagnosed with bipolar disorder? What kind of people do that?

I have never met a more self conceited, back stabbing, no loving, selfish family like them. I am so glad we are not blood related. I was raped a year ago by a sick man. My foster family stopped talking to me in May of 2014. I kept sending my foster dad messages on Facebook. He would leave them as “read”. Though, he never would respond. When I was raped and the police were doing their investigation; I sent my foster dad a message on facebook, telling him what had happened. I thought, maybe just maybe he would answer. Yet he just let it on read. I was so heartbroken. I cried so hard. I literally had so much hope that he’d answer. What father ignores that his daughter was raped? If my child ever was raped or beaten or in a bad situation. I would do everything in my effort to comfort my child, be there for my child, get help for my child. Not ignore them.

Brannen, my brother, my sister, my best friends, and my new mom helped me through the tough time. They comforted me and my mom bought us groceries too. They made me feel safe. I was just so scared. The first few weeks, if Brannen was working late, I either stayed with my mom or a friend would stay with me until Brannen got home. They made sure I remained safe. I didn’t go out for the longest. I wouldn’t leave my apartment for weeks. I had many panic attacks and I just was surrounded by so much fear.

What was so messed up is that. Even after my foster dad had seen the facebook message. When my birthday came in September (The rape was in August.), my foster family sent a birthday card. For the last 3 years, they have sent a birthday card, telling me they love me uncoditioinally and are always thinking about me. That is some bullshit. If you were always thinking of me, you’d pick up the damn phone and call me back after having probably more than 100 of missed calls from me. How about answer all the texts, emails, or letters I sent. If you loved me unconditionally, you wouldn’t have kicked me out without warning after being in a treatment center for suicidal tendencies and having a mental disorder. You gave up on me.

I thought I was righting my wrongs and getting better for the future and for a family who I thought loved me. Yet in reality. I got better for me. I got better for Brannen. I got better for my best friends. I got better for my closest friends. I got better for everyone who truly cared about me and loved me. I got better because I had a chance. God gave me a chance. He was truly trying to open my eyes. I am here. I am alive. I am a living testimony for others. I have so much detail to my life story. I could even write a book series. I want to inspire others not to give up and that they aren’t alone.

I have people tell me, “I can’t fathom what you’ve been through, but I know you are one hell of a strong woman.” I have had people tell me, “I can’t understand why a foster family would adopt a child out of country, then just abandon them after raising them. Like their job was done being a parent.” People tell me, “That is some sad shit and I don’t know how you still smile each day.”

I will tell you something. I smile because I am blessed. I smile because even with that rough past. I am still here and shinnning like no one ever dimmed my light. I will not give up. I will only speak truth. I will keep inspiring others and trying to help others cope with their problems.

I am so blessed to have my new family, my boyfriend, my best friends, and all my friends who truly care and love me for me!! God is great! Everything that was negative, turned into a positive, slowly but surely it did. I am thankful!

“Once you realize your past is just a story, it has no power over you.” ~ Unknown

Xo, Sai (:

 

… It has no power over you.

Just Lost

Sometimes I feel lost. I don’t have family other than my new foster brother and sister. (Which I grately appreciate them more than words can explain.) Though, my one of my many dreams in life is to find and meet my birthmom. I feel lost; somewhat empty. It is hard, when someone asks about my mother. I just say I don’t know her. I just believe I got my beauty, brains, and confidence from her. I keep having Faith and hope that a lot of characteristics I have, I get from her. I never have thought about what my father is like. To be honest. I haven’t really ever thought hard about him. I think I’ve always had a dream to find my birthmom. That is who I’ve longed to meet. If someone asked me, “If you could meet anyone in the whole entire world, who would it be?” I would most likely say, “My birthmom would be the first on the list.”

One thing about being a foster kid is this. You can get more than one family. Especially if they treat you wrong. Though, that wasn’t the case with me, since I was adopted. Though social services were involved, when my foster mom physically abused me. The elementary school had put in a report.

Another thing about family when it comes to foster kids is that, you are not connected by a blood or genetic bond. Kids who get with a great foster family with good morals, etc are very lucky and blessed. The others who have to jump to a new home every few weeks, it is very tough on them. I lived in a group home when my foster family kicked me to the curb. I was so scared. I was lost. I felt so empty. Not because I didn’t have a family. Though, because these girls I lived with had been so hurt by their past, and by things that happened in the foster care system. I could feel their pain and sorrow. I felt so sad for them. Everyone has a story and there is pain that seeps through their hearts here and there. I know. I have been there. I understand the emotional ride.

Anyways, I am not sure where I was going with this post. Though I feel empty right now. When I post, I am not looking for pity or for sorrow. I use many parts of my life story to inspire and help others know they are not alone in their personal struggles. Many people go through the same things, whether it be depression, mental disorders, abandonment issues, loss of a loved one, foster care, even suicidal intentions. Many people have been through it.. More than you will know. Open your eyes. Sometimes, people you didn’t know are struggling, are.

Have a good day,

Xo, Sai (:

Just Lost

Don’t let fear hold you back

The foster mom I had growing up treated me horribly. She put it in my head, I’d never change. I could never make a change for myself. She always put me down. She talked down on me. I once took toys to school in my book bag, (I was in 1st or 2nd grade) and she beat the crap out of me because I took toys to school. She abused me for many things, little or big. My foster dad at the time, was never there when she did it, since he was always at work. I feel in my heart, her beating me and abusing me constantly, did not make me want to find strength within me to change for the better. I was constantly living in fear. Living in fear because I was scared if I do one littlest thing wrong, I would get hit for it. I never had hope. I always thought I did everything wrong.

Now that I am an adult, and they abandoned me. Well, I feel less scared; like I am not walking on eggshells. I feel free of the cage I was in. I live with my boyfriend, Brannen. We’ve been together 4 years and best friends for 7 years. Even that I’ve lived with him for 3 years, I still have a tendencies of thinking he’ll treat me like my ex foster family treated me. Not abusive lol. More so like he’ll be mad if I ate all my goldfish crackers, or broke a xbox controller. Those kinds of things. Though, he doesn’t get mad. He never lays a hand on me, or yells at me over the little things. He understands things get broken, or I get hungry. Lol. He is such a great guy. He makes me feel safe. I haven’t been able to be myself. He gave me confidence. He took away my shield of fear. He gave me secureness to feel confident to be myself.

Brannen is the best thing that has ever happened to me. God truly blessed me. I found happiness and a path to better things when I met Brannen. I feel God wanted B and I to meet. He knows B is a great guy with a good heart. He would show me true love and a good friendship. I am forever grateful for B and that God is good.

When times are tough, you can’t give up. I learned that most people give up right before it may be getting better. They never wait that last second or minute. Many people know I was suicidal. They told me that many people who have been in my type of situation, would not have made it this far. So, why me? I don’t understand sometimes how I became this strong. I feel so blessed, yet overwhelmed. I hope to help many people and show them proof that it is possible to never give up! I know God has me. He is always good, and his timing is everything. Whether you want to believe it or not. Miracles are always in the works. Have Faith.

Xo, Sai (:

Don’t let fear hold you back